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I’ve been frustrated about the job situation. I was talking with Mark about it earlier today. Mark, I griped, what makes me so mad is that it feels like either I’m an idiot for having faith when it keeps not happening, or I’m fokking something up preventing it but nobody inside is sufficiently helping me see it or solve it to fix it. Gods, it’s so close to disaster for me, and I’m so frustrated!!

Not long later, I curled up in my chair to maybe nap for just a few minutes, when I had a sort of falling-into-sleep dream, except wasn’t really asleep. In it, I was with some man, and he got his right hand cut off at the wrist, abruptly. Horrified, I did stuff basically to staunch bloodflow then put the hand in something and was taking him to the hospital in a rush, in the hopes it could be re-attached. Then I suddenly realized all this and was alert again.

Wow, weird dream, I thought, and went to curl up again, when some part of me inside yelled, Look at it! What does that mean??

So I thought: Oh. Right. Yeah I remember now, that these sorts of spontaneous daydreams always mean something.

For example when I find myself suddenly giving someone in a spontaneous dreamish Vitamin C or something, it means my body wants some. So I thought about it, and nearly panicked: Noooo, this doesn’t mean it’s a risk in my future does it?! and then felt the strong sense of Let that fear Go right now!!! so I did. And I more-calmly pondered the possible meanings of this.

Senior has shown me how my destiny, role in life, goal in this life, is in part to evoke and develop the parts of me that are primarily his energy. This is identified somewhat by my right arm and leg, moreso by the right hand and foot, and mostly by my right index finger, the very end flange of it, slightly moreso the back (the half-side with the nail). That’s just background. (Separately, the yin part of me as well, but that’s another topic.)

But I have not been spending any time with the Four like Senior has told me to do. Like I know I should do. Like I want to do. But then do stupid useless things with my time that aren’t that, in many cases. I barely even breathe with the Aeons. But I even more seldom even make contact with the Four. Let alone the degree of time/focus that they have made clear is something I am responsible for doing, and being consistent with, at this point.

There was some saying or quote my brain was associating, that I could not fully pull up to conscious, but it had something to do with the fact that really, the Four, particularly Senior, basically are “my right hand,” not just literally but very much figuratively in every possible metaphysical way. And by cutting off my rapport with them, I was basically cutting off my own hand. My dominant hand. The reaching, the strong, the coordinated, the primary hand. A critical part of myself.

I then understood that this was a commentary on my complaint about the job situation a bit earlier. That I am griping about what is going wrong that this isn’t working out for me already, but I am basically divorcing myself from the energy I need most.

Then I realized that they’ve been trying to tell me this. Last night I was having a talk with Law about Aeons of our larger self, of which our focus personality is one. And I kept emphasizing because it seemed so important, about how although we are only paying attention to being this perspective, that we “are” the full self in reality and so all that power is inherently ours if we choose to allow it. But we have to allow it, because we have basically an “only pay attention to this perspective” default setting. I could feel that this sense of “connect with the fuller self” had some sense of importance, but I assumed that was for him. I realized that it was actually for me. That just like a daydream… reality is its own dream… I was sensing the importance of something for me. But I didn’t “get it” last night.

So. More time with the Four. At this point as a desperate survival skill.