My health, and recovering from the open heart surgery, has been my only real priority the last month. There are several things I want to meditate upon but so far I have been pretty well “who cares” about everything except not feeling too much pain, wanting the edema to reduce, and getting enough sleep.
dream morning 30 July 2016
I was naked and there was a man who voluntarily loaned me his jacket. We were in a big building with multiple rooms. In one I found a rectangular, deep pool. It had a high dive platform. The man came back and found me. I was still naked and I handed him his coat back. I decided that I need to go to the high dive in the pool room and leap off that. When I woke up, I felt it important I meditate with that dream symbol.
dream afternoon 30 July 2016
I was watching these two bee-shapes fly down the center of an enclosed corridor or hallway. One was a honeybee, although the size of both was probably about a couple feet long, a foot diameter or so. The bee was holding the other thing which was the same size and shape as himself, but an empty tube. I had the vague sense of a bee hive cell, of metallics subtly, and that he was carrying it for or bringing it to me (as if I would fit in it and then we would be paired). I later wondered if the bee tube was a ‘jacket’ in another form.
On reflection, I was pretty sure that the male being in both was 3rd’s energy.
Sometime in mid-July 2016
I was in the recovery center after the OHS. After being trapped by mass edema in my room for so, so long, suddenly being around other people all the time was a bit shocking. Mostly good. My home bedroom has no outside light due to blocked window except top of it but there’s an awning over the outside. The only ‘daylight’ I got during the long misery was a view of a small area up between the trees outside the bathroom window. So I was daydreaming a lot about being able to just go outside. The bed I got at the center was by this wall where literally the entire wall after four feet up is window, and I was up on the fourth floor. I would wake up at about 5:30 in the morning I think it was, after sunrise, to “a wall of sky.” It was awesome.
One morning I had fallen asleep with my Narnia playlist (first movie, all but the white witch and the male vocal song from that soundtrack) on loop and my earbuds were still in. The track “To Aslan’s Camp” begins right off with this trumpet and symphony very suddenly. I had set volume when my roommate was kinda noisy with a TV, slept through the music, but it was pre-morning, light but barely, I was apparently near the close of a sleep cycle, and in the super quiet of that time I guess, and the pause between tracks, when this trumpet kicked in it woke me so abruptly that it was like my body was totally alert so hard and fast it almost hurt (probably did a little) but my brain was still a bit in the middle zone where dream and reality and something between were all equally present and functional in my head.
In an instant, I “understood,” it felt like. That-very-instant-of-NOW-ness. Understood where I was: spiritually, physically, and in terms of my reality. I called third in me and said: OK. I’m ready. Come on love, let’s do this. I had the sense that in about a year from right then or so, I would meet the man carrying his energy. And I had the sense that we needed to be together, our energy — for larger reasons than just us personally — and that the world would continue to get more chaotic and wouldn’t necessarily be the most fun place to be sometimes. And that we didn’t have a long time here, I have felt that before. I mean I just don’t think our lifespan is super long — like maybe a decade, probably less. I don’t want to ‘believe’ that lest I bring it on, it is just an impression I often get whenever the energy of me+third+future are together.
Then I sort of shifted more fully into only-this-mundania in my head, and I no longer had that awareness of a moment before, but I felt, “It is done.” As if I’d made a big decision and set it in motion and the end-point was already completed and hence inevitable, I just didn’t perceive it yet because it had to roll out in time. Then my mental state hit ‘normal’ finally. It’s just another day.
The first month after surgery had more, not less, edema, and as that is the primary symptom (other than profound instant-loss energy) the last few years, that part was pretty demoralizing and frightening. Starting the second month, the edema is suddenly starting to reduce — slowly, but clearly. Some pain and some kinds of discomfort seem to lessen in relationship to that. Mobility is very limited due to edema and pain but did what I could. Practiced the lung exercises, simple stretching, and by the end of the month had a few standing-longer-than-ever events in kitchen and shower and some optimism.
After a month, I have taken myself off all medications except one over the counter pain med – 2x 200mg gel-ibuprofen every 4 hours or so – and one diuretic – 60mg Torsemide twice a day (which is prescription but I also have blackmarket version of my own). I’m taking a few supplements: some minerals, lipo-C and a few designed to support the heart, blood and veins. Plan for end of this week to add in significant pure-vitamin doses and a few more herbs. I hope to spend this month working on physical activity, and on all the non-major stuff for which I took out a 401K loan.
That includes a serious upgrade to the kid’s room (a bed, a headboard, a chair, possibly paint, and carpet maybe), a tiny amount of clothing for us (years overdue, and since I couldn’t find stuff for me that I wanted in some categories I got fabric instead and will have to just sew some long skirts), some art supplies and electronic trivias, some replacing several tools or appliances, upgrades to furniture in various rooms, a lot of fairly little things and two heart-wants I’ve had for many, many years now:
- An 88-key electronic piano w/MIDI. I have a padded bench that holds me (though with-pillow-and-briefly) but I had to leave my upright grand in Texas 16 years ago and have longed for it since. I got the Korg 380 from sweetwater. It is due to arrive tomorrow I think but the stand, which is a furniture-style stand that incorporates the three pedals, will need some assembly and it’s heavy so I probably won’t be able to play it until around Friday or whenever C can help.
- A recliner that will actually fit me, so when I sit, the weight of my legs is not pressing on my feet, creating a situation where my feet never get to rest, which ‘overtrains’ them, which then due to their pain, reduces my mobility. Also then the weight of my legs is not pressing hard on the back of my thighs against the edge of any other chair-ish, so that would reduce risk of lymph damage or clots. And greatly, I want to be able to spend time in the living room instead of my bedroom. I should get that by mid-Aug or a bit later and they’ll deliver and set it up.
The things left, which I will address when healthier, are ‘major’ things. Those include the repair of a drain and cleaning of rain gutters ten years overdue; a re-top of my cement elevated porch so it’s not a mosquito waterpark anymore after every rain; a replacement of the vanity and mirror/chest in my bathroom which is so huge for the tiny room I have to crab-walk sideways just to get from door to stuff; venting hood for the stove that was broken when we moved in and without which all cooking leads to smoke alarms (or no battery in smoke alarm); new padding/carpet and linoleum; and paint/hardware/rehanging (and the doing-it) for my kitchen cabinetry. The drain and the last two are the biggest deal of course and the main reason I took out a loan. But I might want to do much of the kitchen myself and there’s other things on the list to do, so I’m pushing those out until I am physically more robust… I hope.
For now, I am still working on “getting well” but I think sleep, food, basic supps, and as much motion as I can work out, with some ability to ‘actually’ walk (not penguin fake-walk from knees-down due to thigh edema) are the focus for the next month, with anything I can do to keep my brain busy as it is very frustrated being stuck here and still so minimally mobile. I have found myself thinking, “Gods, this is so boring!!” — all the house projects I would like to do are too big for me (dangerous) right now, and even going outside is an issue and no comfortable/safe place to sit even if I did, and can’t drive yet, not that there is anything to do in my town outside movie, library, walmart, a few misc. stores or food, and none of the things I “could” do from sitting interest me, and even cooking has some issues. Perhaps having the keyboard will help! And perhaps that comfortable recliner will let me be in the living room but actually sleep more often — I need more than I’m getting and as much as possible for healing frankly.
Meanwhile I am actually a bit dizzy, I think my blood sugar is low, so I better get up and eat something. My hope is that my next post has some actual meditation work in it. Better late than never…
Mark has been background-present with me for the last month. Like out of notice, but right-there if I turn my attention to him.