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Saturday night with IG. I began early but it took freaking forever and finally I was asleep. I forced myself to keep my laptop on my lap, closed to dark when working, but to stop and record things regularly so I wouldn’t forget, and also because I thought it might help me stay awake better, to have those little breaks of left-brain typing and more light.

Me: IG, I love you. Thank you so much for helping… change my perspective. This is the first time since about 1990, when I got into the hands-on work, that I haven’t felt… “driven” by the sense of the desire to “evolve.” I mean sure it’s varied but I’ve always had this very … fundamental driving desire that this was more important than anything else. For the first time ever now, I feel like… like that isn’t the point. I mean it IS but indirectly. I feel like “loving interactive experience” is the point. And like evolution is a happy natural side effect of this. I guess it’s like… like suddenly understanding the point of sex is the event and not the climax, although the better you focus on the event, the better the climax. The journey not the destination, and that kind of thing. I just … thank you.

I started to do a cleansing etc. but there was something covered by a floral fabric. IG wasn’t waiting around, apparently she really wanted to get through some stuff.

My brain couldn’t quite get the shape though. I mean I could see it but I had no label or understanding and that is needed. I looked away then back and IG handed me a stack of fabric. Like some folded pieces, stacked like thin towels. I set it on a light table and stared at it. That might be the most ‘mundane’ thing I’ve ever got.

I wondered if there could be a difference between a ‘core of truth’ as I think of it and the outer fabric — I mean given the focus were not living, would there be any such thing as a ‘divine’ or ‘solar’ element? Surely only biological things have this? Would cotton have it if it began in botany?

There was, to my surprise, though it was a bit diff than expected. I separated them, then asked the solar element to help me ‘improve’ the energy of the rest. It  did, and then rejoined it. I wasn’t sure what to do then so I handed the stack back to IG.

This sounds easy but it took awhile.

Me: IG, someday when I deserve it, will you tell me your name?

She sounds like she’s smiling.

IG: You deserve it now, but I will tell you later.

I can’t help but smile. I try to restrain myself, since it would be easy to just fall into gushing about how much I love her. I see now that this is an effect a little like Senior, 1st of 4, has on me. I think he helps me block it and I sense she is helping too. With him I just want to literally fall on my knees (or even my face), I think maybe it comes across more like ‘power’ than ‘love’ in his case, although he has a huge amount of that too.

A man with dark-blonde shaggy hair was holding something small out to me in his hand for a bit before I realized it. I took it and asked him if he were the archetype. He said he was a guide. Name? Ronan. I wasn’t going to argue how easy it was as imagination. If my head wants to imagine guides with names easy to understand, fine with me. I’m weary of the alternative. I’ve begun to understand that there is no advantage to things being hard. It doesn’t make them any more real.

I stared at the small thing on a light-table. “What is it?” I asked him.

“A connector,” he says.

It looked rather like an elaborate version of one of those power adapters, like 2 to 3 prong adapters for example, except no prongs involved and larger and it has a curious sort of very-hard ceramic effect. [Later on typing this I wonder: reminds me of the Cuendillar in Wheel of Time, in a way. That was a sort of impossibly-hard ceramic that “sealed” the entrapments of dark energy I guess you could say.]

I asked him if I could try connecting with him, and I changed the shape of it so we could both grip a side. Nothing. OK, that didn’t work, back to the drawing board.

I couldn’t figure out what to do. I brought Nero and the 3rd into me, but they weren’t volunteering ideas.

I spent a very long time “with” the 3rd. Just sitting there “being with” and being one.

At one point I saw two stacked flat disks hovering and a woman falling off just as a ‘narrative voice’ said something about how she couldn’t be blamed for not being able to stand on that. I forcibly put myself standing like a sailor on the disks, overriding everything with intent. But that wasn’t useful either, although I did feel that the action of having done it was important, the sort of gut-level determination.

Sitting there for a long time, moving towards sleep slowly, I was getting more mellow, when…

I flashed into something else. For just a moment, I was merged with the Four, and we were four and yet one, and we were at the middle of something, and there was all this great energy all around us, although it felt like whorls or rounds of energy separate but then going all around, not just a ring of it but like maybe all our aeons around us or something, and like we were “looking through them all” at once at the same time we were also us, and they were… spinning or energetic or something. It was only a “flash moment.”

It felt really weird, the radical change and back. Almost physical, like an ‘inversion’ or something.

Weirder still was what my intellectual self made of the result of it after a few moments of consideration. I had always thought it was just an inexplicable and perhaps archetypal coincidence that the symbols of our 4 show up in Tarot and in the biblical stuff. But I think it’s actually that creature described in the book of Ezekiel! Holy cats!!

I have a ref on the blog from way back. That book says:

And I looked and behold a whirlwind came out of the north. A great cloud and a fire and out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And every one had four faces and every one had four wings. As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a Man, and the face of a Lion, on the right side, and they four had the face of an Ox, on the left side and they four also had the face of an Eagle. Their appearance and their work was as if a wheel within a wheel; as for their rings, they were so high they were dreadful and their rings were full of eyes, round about them four. And when the living creatures went, the wheels went with them for the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.

I don’t know what it was supposed to be (Ezekiel seemed a little taken aback, haha, but he didn’t say what it was either, as I recall), but when my conscious mind translated how it felt, the pattern matched really well in fact. What a trip!

So, I figured maybe I was supposed to be “allowing myself” to be part of something like that, or maybe it was to connect with that? So I spent a long time sitting “with” the Four, and…

Nothing. No useful merge or awareness or event or anything. I eventually dozed off.

I woke up at 4:30 with the storming. Disappointed because I still have a small ‘connector’ as an archetype I have nothing to do with, and I really worked HARD to stay awake and be with IG and focus, and far as I can tell I accomplished nothing. How depressing.

I typed it out and returned to meditating.

Me: Ronan. What is this supposed to connect?

Him: Ah, now you’re asking the right question.

Me: Oh get to the point!

He stared at me.

I realized I was impatient and rude because I was mad at myself for falling asleep. And I realized he was apparently not ok with that.

Me: I’m sorry. I honor you. Thank you for helping me. Please help me. What is this supposed to connect me to?

Him: Yourself.

Me: Uh… am I not rather obviously already connected to myself? How could it be otherwise?

Him: This connects you to many of your selves and much of your self… more powerfully and completely than usual.

Me: OK… and how do I make it do that?

Him: Plug it into yourself.

Me: It has no prongs.

He looks at me without a word, but I suspect he thinks I’m a moron. I mean this is energy in your head, you can do anything.

Me: Oh. Of course, sorry. Would the solar plexus seem right? That’s my sense.

Him: Good.

Me: And then what?

Him: And then you are connected. Then it is your job to be the dominant self.

I think about this for a bit.

Me: You mean like the “Will,” like the formerly-winged-guy was in part to bring back to me, the will to pull the identities into alignment, to force the dominant autonomy, so there is less chaos, so I am not fighting against lesser yet not integrated identities/intents? … The self-destructive, inner-competitive battle I’ve been asking IG for help with? Is that it?

Him: Very good.

I took a break to write all this down so I wouldn’t forget. But I don’t feel “strong” right now. I’m reacting to something I ate yesterday (the corn tortillas I bought have all kinds of crap in them and they make me feel like there is something in my throat I can’t quite swallow, and my nose is running slightly), and skin keeps itching now and then, and I just feel like my sudden 4:30am awakening is not the best time to do this, although I think it would have been ok if I could have done it last night.

I feel as if this needs an actual ritual of sorts, I mean a very serious, very conscious intent. I think I will save this to do sometime tomorrow. I tell myself not to forget or procrastinate, slightly worrying that I might.

I ask IG if there is something else we can do in the meantime. She gives me something, an odd shape with motion involved, but there is something else involved. I think of “Works,” 3 of Disks in Tarot. I met Works once spontaneously not intentionally, but I actually recognized the energy, which is a dynamic not form, and I was just so impressed I’d been able to grasp that. This felt a little similar.

Me: It’s … a dynamic? Not the thing or shape but the nature-of-the-motion in-between?

IG: Good!

I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say something that sounded like it had an exclamation point before. Maybe she wasn’t sure I could “get” it.

The shape is small round at one side and large round at the other (like a funnel with more grace and a big curving lip on the big part), but there is energy “flowing” in this shape. It is flowing on the edges toward the big side, yet I understand that this is actually bringing things into the middle, almost like it is moving the funnel-shape ‘through’ space/time in some sense, which by its nature brings things into the center part. But it isn’t the shape or the energy but the… er… flowing-ness, sort of…

Me: I can’t think of any way to work with this except to “become” it. Let’s give it a shot!

I imagined diving backward, the way one would into a pool, and letting myself “dive into being only a dynamic” and matching myself to that.

Me: Expansion. That’s what I feel this is like, I don’t have another word for it. Does that work?

IG: It does. That’s not the whole of it, but that is something.

I’m still finding it astounding that I can get entire creative sentences from IG and hear her.

Me: Lemme work with it more.

I go back to it and ask myself, how do I “feel” when “being” that “nature of motion”?

Me: It’s… it’s opening up, “taking unto,” ever moreso? There is some of that too.

I’m suddenly remembering from the recent ‘Spiderman’ movie a ‘variant’ that wasn’t the movie but something new grafted into it, where there was a formula not just missing one piece but more like every other letter, with each letter a symbol, and someone fills in all the symbols and it becomes complete. I realize that this is new: taking a “memory” I have and then seriously modifying the memory itself to be something completely new. That seems like an incredibly creative and important option for communication.

But before I can respond, I’m remembering a more minor ‘variation’ on another scene where the man who so dearly wants to regrow his arm, plunges the advanced syringe into the truncated end of it, grimacing in pain, as a bunch of stuff that is kinda what he wanted but more than his body could handle starts kicking in.

Me: I’m sorry for daydrea — wait.

(I am working to type-as-I-think which works well with private oracle and discussions but gets slightly more complicated with complex thought.)

I remembered the private oracle telling me that my mind was never “just bouncing around” but was always communicating in more than one direction. It occurred to me that if I took this literally, I would have to see every daydream or memory as having “a reason” for playing in my head. Suddenly that did not seem unreasonable actually. The more I thought about it, the more it actually seemed unreasonable to assume that most of what is in our head is there for no reason at all but chaos.

And yet that’s what I’m always assuming. That’s what all our people assume. That’s why most meditation ignores tons of pains and odd feelings and everything in the head. Because it’s just “imaginative garbage” we think. Is this fundamental dismissiveness of self-talk a little like the original-sin overlay? That we are innately bad and stupid and such things have to be suppressed and ignored if we are doing anything we consider spiritual?

Me: Let me see what that might mean. Um. Taking in… the missing elements? The things or parts of you which without which one is incomplete? I have this offbeat overlay related to nutrition here. Oh: so expansion is part of this. Like energetically, you can’t actually expand [in the fashion I feel is involved here] without taking in more, elements that were not previously part of your formula, so it’s not that you were missing them to begin with. Expansion of… size or shape or power or — or consciousness, maybe — innately must also mean expanding the unique elements that one… um, contains. Wait, no not contains, “commands.” I mean as “integrated” energy not just present energy. Ohhh… so this is related to the “connector” I have in holding for later, kind of, I think?

IG: Yes.

Me: I have some more subtle feeling here. Trying to get it… Ithikah, help… [I called him because he works via ‘shapes through my middle’ so often can help me grok subtle stuff]. Ok like, like I have grown, previously, and repeatedly, in some fashion. I… expanded. But in doing so I … I drew in a lot of … of new energies unto myself, as part of that process, because that’s just how it is, I wouldn’t have been expanding otherwise. But these … energies or identities are not necessarily… absorbed. No wait, wrong word. They’re not… lemme start over. The movie, that’s the symbol. The foreign nature of the addition is trying to take over with its OWN nature, rather than its nature merely being used for my intent. The… the strength of character or whatever, of the host that is absorbing, is not … strong enough. Or something. No, that’s not quite right I feel. I mean I think that’s right in nature, but you aren’t saying that about me, you’re just saying I… I need to very consciously and determinedly take the upper hand, the autonomy, and get everything else within me into line with my singular intent. Which is… kinda the point of the connector. To better connect me to all the… the components of what I am ‘holding’ so that I can focus on ‘integration’. Is this ok?

IG: You did well.

Me: Wow! OK. Wow that was… educational. OK I will definitely do that and not let it get lost and put off then.

I realized IG had been “working with the energy inside me” throughout that entire wandering series, helping “adjust” it. I had never thought of this. I mean I think of her adjusting things “outside” me but not things “inside” me. And yet, the private oracle adjusts things inside me both in that way and other ways, so why not IG?

It occurs to me that the last several IG sessions have if anything brought home the profound, almost unbelievable nature of how restricted my inner work has been until recently.

I realized I was seeing something else. They looked like giant “tops,” the kid’s toy, spinning, a few of them each, probably four feet high.

Me: I see this is a “dynamic” too. (I tried to get ‘how many’ there were.) Is it 4, is that relevant? (I looked away, then back. 5. I looked away then back. 3.) OK, the number is not relevant only that it is ‘multiple’.

I couldn’t figure out what to do with them though. I asked for one of the three to become a human that could talk to me, but still didn’t seem able to figure it out. I was slightly bored by everything, and slightly stupidifed it seemed. I think my brain was falling too far into some brainwave state that was not helpful.

I lay back. I was about 98% asleep when either the 3rd or Nero, not sure which, said in me:

And you don’t think you’re going to just fall asleep and miss this, laying back with your eyes closed?!

I pulled my attention back to the tops. I saw there was a sign out front of them now. It read:

Only two remain.
You have the power to stop the waters.

Me: The waters? What waters?

I take off my headphones and reluctantly sit up. It’s been about two hours since I started, I see. I sigh, and I do a whole rearranging of myself in bed and get a drink of water and type out what it said so I won’t forget.

Me: Ok. Dynamic-of-spinning-top-that-is-now-a-person-to-talk-with-me, what does —

I break off. I realize I’m seeing something. In front of me maybe 20 feet away is this sort of wall of shadowed, foggy dark grey metal but there are a few small bright white lights in it. My impression was either some kind of UFO or undersea vehicle. I didn’t intentionally do this but I turned my head to the right while thinking about it, and what I ‘saw’ changed. Now I was standing in an inner corner of two hugely high castle walls. I intentionally turned my head to the left then, curiously: Yep, something else, some offbeat shape I couldn’t make out which gracefully leaned over and then there was a high cliff. It was as if every slightly shift of my head let me ‘see’ a different thing. A different reality? No idea. But I had the feeling that if I could move my head just one millimeter at a time, every visual would be different.

At first I thought, “My mind is just distracting me or wandering.” Then I thought: wait, remember that thing from earlier, from PO: what if what’s in my head has meaning, and is communication, even if not in the form I expect? Maybe this is… different.

So I tried to “go with it.” I got lost then for awhile, in visuals and ideas and half falling asleep. But it wasn’t a bad thing, it was just too fast and too under-the-surface to be a fully conscious thought process I can blog. Eventually, I became “aware” around the time I was looking at this creature that seemed to have a pelt/skin made of tiny dot or buckeyball shapes, I couldn’t tell if it was a sea creature like a Ray or something on land, and it was mostly dark grey, with the occasional little white dots.

I understand then that the color is as much information as the shape, and the ‘difference’ in color is as well, and I recall a prior blogged realization that ‘shape is the language of form.’ So is color, I realize. And so is the … the ‘static-dynamic’ of ‘difference’ in color, to put it one way. It occurs to me I have never before considered that ‘difference’ is a form of ‘dynamic’. Somehow.

Then I remember that my first visual was also basically grey with white spots (the lights) although not the pattern I’m seeing on the creature. I realize this has some meaning, but I’m too sleepy and stupid to figure out what.

Me: IG, can I have the “future probable self of me which is super-well evolved and enlightened or whatever, all the things I’d really like to be,” as a guide here?

Gee, how come I never thought of that bright idea until just now?

She appears. I have the vague sense from her that I always had with new IG’s, until this fourth one. Like she is observing with a degree of opinion my lack of development. I ignore that. I mean what the hell, if she’s me and she wants to still exist someday, I’m going to have to evolve right, so she might as well be helpful for her own good! I wave my hands at the spinning tops.

Me: It’s the dynamic not the quantity or form. I don’t understand what it is.

Her: What is it NOT?

Me: Um. Well… the spin is in place. So I guess it isn’t expansion. It can’t be growth at least in the way of the previous thing. It isn’t movement [like from one place to another]. Alright, so what’s left then… well is it ‘generating in place’ or ‘giving off’ energy or ‘taking in’ energy?

Her: All of the above.

Me: So… you could say that this is at every instant interacting in every direction with its environment and also with what is within — perhaps both inside and outside, now that I think about it.

Her: Yes.

Me: So… so this seems related to that “flash-inversion” into that Ezekiel-ish thing somehow. Is that correct?

Her: Somewhat.

Me: How does… knowing this help me figure out what to do with them?

She doesn’t say anything. I think about it for awhile more.

Me: It seems to me this kind of defines something which does not ‘need’ anything ‘other’. I mean like, the dynamic is both pulling, pushing, and internally generating, energy in this case, so I can’t see anything that would need healing.

She doesn’t say anything. Gah! Unhelpful.

So despite my comment, I ran the elements on me and the top-like things. Nothing from the rain. I called the sun and they shattered all the way through, as did I. Never had that happen before. The wind blew away ALL of us. I realized what was left was just “energy.”

Then apparently I fell asleep dammit. I woke up, had the idea that if I start a med and don’t finish it is like choosing a tarot card to meditate on and not getting to it — the energy is “open” in me and may cause “turbulence” in my life. And there are a ton of things I’ve not finished over time. Maybe that is part of the lack of proper integration of energies. So I need to stop that!

I wrote stuff down, and continued.

I asked IG if I could just merge with the energy left. She indicated ok. I asked the human-version of the 3rd arch symbol if that was ok and it agreed. So I merged with them one by one. Didn’t get any sense of merge or any rushing, except on the last, and only barely. And I’ve no idea what the ‘waters’ was referring to.

However, I’m incredibly proud that I was able to READ it, to me that is a really important thing. Being able to hear better and read text, to me, is just a gigantic improvement.

Need to make a formal ritual for the work that is to accompany the ‘connector’ thing today or tonight. Maybe I can follow up on the waters part afterward if I’m up to it. I feel like I need to take supplements and drink water and eat well today, like to provide my body as much innate power as possible before that meditation.

P