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Midnight Mass w/IG 06MAR2013 Wed

I barely made it to IG by midnight. I was doing an initial prep, going through chakras, when I got to the heart chakra. It occurred to me maybe I should be focusing more on thinking “from” that area (which is very hard. We naturally want to think we are wherever our eyeballs are), that maybe IG5 is more ‘there’ somehow, and then I actually felt as if — it’s been eons! — I SAW one of them. The Themelians, I was calling them, talking with 3rd once when he abruptly woke me up so I would hear that and remember. Then I specifically asked for that, to talk with someone from that realm, and it got clearer.

Again the face was so amazing. Last time, it was like — super richly colored sparkling skin, like jewel-tone skin, but in wide swaths of color like it was unique to the person (jewel green and blue but there were other colors), and fascinating faces. This time I couldn’t see him that well but it was like his face kept flashing into this intense royal blue almost in a pulsing pattern, and then back to something else (maybe normal) again. I never did feel real close to him or like I could perceive him clearly, but I stayed with him and he took me a variety of places in some world.

I struggled to stay conscious because I really want to know and cleanse and open the heart chakra, and I’ve never officially met it as representative identities like the first three, and I didn’t want to pass out from brainlessness (it isn’t so much sleep as a great difficulty keeping focus, a semi-new and tragic thing for me) now that I finally ‘had’ him.

He eventually took me down some stairs and into this room and there was a man standing there that really got my attention. Like he was really… “present” and powerful. He was very tall, lean but not skinny, and he was standing utterly straight, with his arms around his lower torso (not quite like cross-armed, but like holding the opposite side of his torso in each hand). I couldn’t see his head clearly. He led me out of that place and I followed him, and it seemed like it just went on and on. We didn’t talk, DO anything, meet people, whatever, we just kept going.

I was really struggling to stay alert and conscious, and nearly lost it a few times, but had such grim determination about it I kept on vastly longer than I would have by default I guess. We had finally ended up in an elevator, which as it rose, the entire building and walls around us sort of spun away (difficult to put in words) and we were rising into the air. And then… I passed out. Dang it!! I was so mad when I woke up this morning and realized I hadn’t gotten through it.

I don’t know how IG puts up with me. I probably come with a big dose of handicap points in the angelic tournaments.

So that means I didn’t get a med specific to IG either, of course. That’s what, 4 days I’ve showed up at midnight and failed abysmally to do anything useful, gotten lost in the pre-meds or prepwork. Not focused… and I forgot to spend any real time with him today, and ended up sort of doing so around 6pm, he put his hands on my head and said he’d tell me when he was done so I just tried not to let myself get too wrapped up in any thoughts until then, and then I turned my attention back to work again.

I’m so sad and fed up about my complete incompetence in the inner world lately. It’s not that I expect myself to be some kind of powerful advanced shaman, I mean it’s SMALL FAVORS I’m looking for here IG!, but at this point I’d be happy just to make it through a decent meditation! Let alone an altered state one. I mean it’s like my brain just completely lost its coordination and grounding and focus and everything. I feel like the strength of my mental focus is half too weak to walk and half treading water, so often it drives me crazy, and for months now.

I can’t say that I was better with IG4 but I can say that if I was half this bad I was blissfully ignorant of how pathetic I was.

I feel like I’m letting myself down, and IG5 (Mark) down, and even IG4 down even though she is not focused with me anymore, I feel like she believed in me and would ¬†be so ¬†disappointed to see how poorly I’ve done the minute she left. Well maybe not, she’s angelic and nothing bothers her, but you know what I mean.

I felt so excited shortly before she left, like I could do anything, I could hear things clearly, I could see things, I could READ (read! for godssakes!) clearly, I mean it just seemed like the whole inner world was totally going to be open to me now, and I really felt like I’d finally anchored in a sense of ‘home’ and it was all good and my meditations could be really profound and even useful now and…

But I can’t seem to even get decently altered state, and I can’t seem to hold my attention even when I’m not, and I haven’t accomplished a single thing since I met IG5. I can’t think of one thing. I mean, the things he’s given me, the meditations, maybe that’s some kind of accomplishment, I don’t want to diss what he has put in. But I don’t feel like I have achieved any new skill, or capacity, or level, or anything.

I feel like ever since his fairly early days with me, when I wasn’t even doing so good at meds with him, I’ve just been useless mostly, I’m embarrassed for myself, and here’s hoping I’m industrious in dreams because I’m certainly not accomplishing anything consciously.

It’s not him. I mean, he’s… words don’t cover it. If anything I feel like I’m just monumentally not living up to the potential that he is here to provide me.

Like somehow I was “re-set” and what little I’d accomplished with IG4 seems like it just disappeared along with a lot of my focus. It’s so HARD. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like imagine you’re an athlete and you’re used to feeling fairly strong and coordinated and then one day it’s like you have no strength — like you had mono or something that left you literally without muscle strength — and you’re wobbling all over and uncoordinated too. That’s how I feel. Like I’m —

It suddenly occurs to me that maybe I WAS ‘re-set’ in some way. Or adjusted or … something. I sense the 3rd in me suggesting, not in these words of course, that perhaps if I would just quit bitching about it all and work on development consistently, that I could reach the point of understanding this in retrospect.

Sigh. Now I feel like a total whiner. And I was going to just delete all this and say F— it, because I worked a very intense 12 hours today and I really just want to sleep, I could nap before MM, but then I realized this is just as much a part of my path as the deliriously in love with IG sorts of moments so I may as well let it be.

I was hungry today, which is rare. I went to eat at lunch but the blue cheese I’d planned to use was bad, and I couldn’t find the burger, and it turned out we had no quality butter for eggs either, so I stomped off back to work. I spent the rest of the day half dreaming about “as soon as I get off I’m going to the store for some Kerrygold” but then I had to work until nearly 8:30 and barely made it to the store before they closed — and then they don’t have any. Literally, I realized I was standing in nowhere Oklahama and I would probably have to drive for 3 hours (and wait till daytime) to find any butter that isn’t factory crapfood. This irritated me SO much. I was starving by then. So I went to the drive-through of the retail-dairy-ish and I was able to resist getting a shake or fries, just got a burger wrapped in lettuce and came home. I feel depressed though. The kidneys have volunteered like four times that they really like the butter and I really wanted to have a bunch of it for them, for dinner. Dammit. It was important to me. Now I’m going to have to spend too much money buying it somewhere so I have a stock of the stuff and don’t have to worry that my teen will eat it in the night. The stuff costs a fortune but if the kidneys are happy, I’m happy.

Well I guess I should just shut up now. Apparently today is unhappy-with-self-day. Which is ironic as I spent much of the day quite happy to be alive, thanking god I was alive, with incense and the curtains open to a glorious day, thanking god for my awesome combination of things in my life. I think hunger and many days of serious undereating along with continual meditational or spiritual incompetence have just combined to make me a cranky butthead as my kid used to say.

Edited a couple days later to add: I went through my blog from last early March and I was pretty much in the same place. Maybe it’s a cycle!

P