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I’ve had extensive meditation difficulties in a way to new to me. I had been told that I needed to do a prep med and then a banishing of the ‘parasites’ that ACKRCK showed me in the ‘skulls in my skull‘ dream. I intended to.

But then for weeks I’ve had a nearly impossible time holding my attention on anything to do with the topic. Anything but that. Eventually I began to realize this was not accidental. I mean that something else or someone else felt involved. Because everything would be normal. And then not.

I resisted this a lot, as I dislike the psychology — I’ll personalize the universe but refuse to believe anyone or anything is working against me. Because that would be paranoid. I’m paranoid of being paranoid.

But any time my ‘attention’ would be fully on that, something would happen to distract me. Once I realized this, I was shocked at how obvious it was.

For example I could be starting work, and idly think of the subject as my computer restarted, and suddenly be hit with this wave of kundalini sexual energy that was totally out of the blue — zero activity till then. It would often come with a daydream sitting pre-packaged for me no less.

This is only one format, sometimes it was other kinds of daydreams but they were always utterly distracting — but pre-set and ‘encouraged.’ And it went from zero to sixty in like half a second is the thing. Like I said, once I realized what was going on, the predictable and incredibly obvious nature of it was… clear. And I can’t emphasize strongly enough the power of these to utterly distract me.

So I was stuck. I couldn’t think of it fully or directly. I knew I needed to deal with it. But every time I even tried to think about it, plan for it or something, I couldn’t.

I started remembering this meditation I once did in ’95 or so, with the Medusa imagery, where I had to back into a ‘block’ my brain kept sliding off by using a mirror-shield because any direct-look was impossible.

(The block I named ‘Dor’ and seduced him into coming and being my door instead. He was an inorganic that became my friend, as I thought of it, until the Four banished him once Senior realized him, a couple years later. I’d been out of touch with the Four or it likely would have happened sooner.)

So every day for weeks, I have had to “almost but not quite fully think of this” — think enough to keep focusing on what I needed to do as part of a gradually planning and a subtle pulling the energy together, but do all this while NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what I was doing.

Literally thinking of OTHER things, like to keep the energy stream of this topic “under the radar” because if it got full focus, something/someone would quash it.

Weirdest thing ever! It’s like knowing someone can read your mind and is resident, and you’re trying to think of a sabotage plan to get rid of them, without thinking of it fully enough for them to notice.

At least not until it’s officially time and you have enough “power built up” — that’s what it felt like was needed — to go forth despite any efforts to shut you down. I had been making plans and feeling out what needed doing for some time, in this manner.

Finally, tonight I did all the prep work of eating earlier and a shower and Narnia music and everything ready to go and then suddenly pulled out ‘the idea’ and began.

Initially, despite it was more meditation thought than I’d allowed myself, I only thought of nothing at all but my Aeons as I called them, and my Chakras as I called them, and then my guides and Mark/Soul/SolarBody/TrueSelf/Tek and the Four, as if nothing in the universe existed except my call to whomever I was talking with — like it had no context — and there was some resistance but not a ton and I steel-willed it down.

Then as soon as I called Ronan (the guide who connects me to all the parts of myself. I was told to use him for this med when I was told to do the med), I let myself openly think about WHY I was doing this and talk to him about the reason – BANISHING – and what I needed from him. And yes, immediately, it was like some mental not emotional panic response that tried to fight me for it.

But by then I had all the strength of a few weeks of daily subtle planning and all the primary elements of me invoked and ready and I was able to focus through it, let go of the many distractions literally thrown at me like mental objects hurled at a runner’s legs to trip them or something.

Holy shit. Who knew something could be like that in a person? I had initially assumed this was just ‘some part of me resisting’ but a short time in I realized it was in fact the parasites that I was planning to banish. Yes they were a part of me and yes they were resisting.

That’s sort of terrifying not only to realize they exist in the first place, whole discrete intelligent identities, but to realize they can hear you. Let alone act on that.

**

Last time I saw Ronan he gave me a funky plug-like object. This time he spent quite awhile using his hands to create these thin beams of gold light that were geometric, and seemed to make up a sort of ‘structure’ of my body and the nearest ‘layers’ of it. Then it was also conceptual because it included “all the me’s.”

Which made me think of the ‘125 layers’ (worlds, etc.) so I asked for that to come together as well. I felt pretty good and strong by the time it was done.

I did a visualization initially for cleansing, but then here I did another that was super powerful sending from the center of me, pulled through the superstring of me (connecting to earth’s core and center of universe ‘through’ me), intense energy that went through all those pathways Ronan had emphasized.

The Four were with me better than in eons, and I asked 3rd to lead me. And after all that, the whole banishing ritual ended up being humorously anticlimactic:

I simply told them to leave by officially commanding it in my head then saying GET OUT! three times and AIYA (call to the Christ) three times.

That’s it!

I was half-imagining the Four pushing them away and holding them away (they were helping by actually doing it so I didn’t have to fully imagine it), while Tek and many others were filling in the space in my energy body the P’s occupied for so long. I mean there were two huge holes in the back of my skull after all.

(Even now it is difficult to think of that area and not sense it, like it was just that way for so long though I was never conscious of it. I currently have some really thick energy fully resident all through that area so nothing could come back or in. Like I need to hold this until it’s fully healed and used to being its own clean space again.)

Then the Four took them somewhere infinitely far away in time as well as space, as that seemed appropriate I guess, and left them there, and I spent some time with what seemed like the complete rebuilding of that part of my skull.

And that was that. Honestly after all that build up somehow I expected something more.

It’s like if you spend a whole movie on something and at the end, the giant fleet of alien bad guys, you push a button and they’re gone. That’s all. No giant explosions and amazing CGI graphics, ha!

**

I talked to Crown-ACKRCK-BUSM for a bit because I had realized that they have been profoundly impacted by this my whole life — these parasites came ‘with’ me spiritually and so into this body from the start — and I felt very loving about them and healing for them.

I’ve been having a ton of stuff physically that affects throat chakra (or is technically part of her) including a ton of detox I’ve been doing with supplements. It reminds me that when I first met her I reacted to her like she was a parasite despite that she was ACKRCK’s ‘mate’ and IG said she was ok. Now I’m wondering if this energy which was partly or wholly in her area of my head was actually what was triggering that subtle feeling and response in me.

Then since I was feeling the Four with me and competent I told all the physical parasites to get out of my body too — focusing on each organ and then my upper and lower intestine.

I wanted to be with the Four because feeling like we were all one body was the closest to them I have felt in a really long time. Mark dropped me onto the deck of an aircraft carrier and we each got in a plane. I was slightly less than happy that they were four separate planes, each smaller, since I only wanted to be ‘with’ them fully. We flew some distance and then went down to ‘do stuff’ to some area. I thought we were bombing it. They thought that was slightly amusing and ‘recognized’ with me that this is my psychology. Actually we each did something like crop dusting and it turned out to be a landscape-symbol portion of my intestines, each of us was coating some huge area with some substance that did something different. In the end, mine was soothing. I wondered if that related to my commanding out the parasites from my body just before. Then I wanted to be with them utterly so we joined again.

Mark took me to the place we’ve been a couple times that is like a house that is resting incredibly high in the sky and we sit on the porch and watch the sun rise and set and such. I also thought us into ‘the universe’ tube that lives in that unchakra in my chest for a bit.

Dunno where this came from but I asked them what the symbol in the floor of the tower was — the ancient thoughtform castle we used to spend a lot of time in many years ago — and they showed me but it kept morphing. I had never looked at it then because I felt my conscious attention would mess it up. In the end, it was always some creative version of a swastika, of a 4-fold symbol. Makes sense I guess.

But I only wanted to just ‘be’ with them. So I left the music on but just set up for sleep and laid back focusing on feeling them with me, in me, me in them. I don’t remember anything else.

**

A female voice in a whisper calling my name woke me up abruptly around 2am — I felt it inside me too and recognized it I think but I’m not sure. At least I think it was my name. Strangely I forgot this happened at all for about 45 minutes.

I was so disappointed then that I couldn’t remember anything of it clearly. I did wonder a bit if it might be BUSM (throat chakra). It had an extra dimension and a sweetness.

**

So, that was actually the most oddly difficult — while not being ‘officially’ difficult because I could not “try hard” on it because that would focus on it which would cause something to kick it out of my way — meditation I’ve had to do in eons.

But it’s done so FINALLY I can MOVE ON to a lot of other stuff. As I felt overwhelmingly that this had to come first, as immediately as possible, and that anything I would do would be affected until I had banished that energy.

The humorous thing, of course, is that I didn’t really have a place in my belief system for ‘resident parasites who were entire other beings’, it’s merely that they were so obvious — the one previously near my spine I felt like I stumbled on by chance with Tek, and these I saw in the dream — it really just couldn’t be argued.

**

I have felt that the dreams of third, and end-times-energy, are related because I got clearly in the skulls dream that this was like the same… peoples, of the time-before-time, they had some metaphysical tech that let them curl up inside us, like they didn’t have a soul but we did but they could ‘ride’ it and hence stay ‘aware’ energetically via us like a power source.

I mean this just comes as ‘awareness’ of their nature and our peoples’ interaction. It’s not anything intellectual I’m getting from somewhere else. Yet I see the sort of correlations it has with some other theories including some of the wilder stuff in Hubbard’s Scientology.

I dislike that stuff intensely and I find it incredibly embarrassing, so I don’t think any part of me would invent this on purpose. It just seems to be so, to my surprise.

But it helped me get some context on the symbology I had seen of 3rd in dreams — two 20 years apart, maybe even to the week or day for all I know (or some other astrological coincidence). That he needed to send himself forward in what we call time in the way that they do. In order to be present to actually call up the showdown and battle them at some future present time. (I’m seriously unclear on this part — like why, how, when, etc.)

And to do this, he had to do two things: first, kill the man he was fighting with so the man could not get into him like they do (they were fighting with swords in the first dream, maybe symbolic of course), which they would do just as we were dying and had a certain brief period of vulnerability to it.

Second, he had to let himself be killed on purpose at about the same time, and in the moment when he was vulnerable to it, sort of dive back into himself in the way that ‘they’ could do which we normally can’t — or perhaps it’s merely that a) we normally don’t know how and b) it’s normally that we don’t NEED to do it, because “our soul” continues on perfectly well without the need to have some part of us kind of rolled up as an identity and riding along into the future.

It was literally kind of like possessing himself. Like instead of that identity “blending into the collective” upon death which is what I feel normally happens, instead he was “encapsulating it” to keep it fully safe and ‘aware’ and then “hiding out within himself” (literally within his chest cavity within his ribs is where it would physically manifest as ‘energy’ in our reality).

And the plan was, through his larger-self/soul, that the other half of his soul, as we are arranged, would trigger him awake during the ‘time and place’ of the future where that identity was needed. And that identity, because he was not merely a parasite but actually part of the soul that was part of that body, would stretch into awakeness inside that person, and basically join them, so eventually the man would be both identities — not separately, but together, recognizing that he was also this ‘man of old.’

20 years ago last October I triggered his awakening in a dream. Or I dreamed it then. Time is weird in these things. And then last October I dreamed the second dream, where he had awoken, and the human carrying 3rd’s energy in our focus-reality had become aware of him and was struggling — successfully, but it wasn’t easy — to incorporate this new rather huge metaphysical destiny and wholly new identity part of himself. And in the more recent dream, became aware that I existed, the other part of the larger-him, somewhere in his reality.

**

Well that is the metaphysical soap opera for the day. Given my ongoing health issues it is constantly a focus begging Mark and the Four to please help me live, and to actually meet this man wherever he is before keeling over, and who knows what will happen in the end.

Whenever the ‘end times’ type energy is present in dreams or visions, it’s pretty weird, and the Four, we are at least a couple of different really zany terrifying but interesting creatures, one of which is exactly like one of Ezekiel’s visions.

I am still trying to figure out if this is just “archetypal symbolism of the individual psychology” or if this has some kind of meaning on a larger scale. I have to default to the former only because I have no context at all for dealing with the latter.

This was very present in my life in Bewilderness esp. late ’94 early ’95, and then I ‘stepped offside’ that timeline it seems when I felt real grief that I “didn’t get to do a normal life this time.” As it seemed like things that would affect my world. But then rather abruptly everything changed and I spent the next nearly 20 years doing a normal life. Like I took a side-road for a probability. Now I wonder if I would have met 3rd (or someone carrying a much larger % of that energy) eons before if I’d not made that choice. Who knows.

Now my child is officially an adult and it seems like I have shifted back onto the track I was on during the late ‘Bewilderness’ period. Somehow.

P.S. Ohhhh…. not until I went on to do something else, done with this post, did I see the odd parallel. That I had to ‘hide my aware and plotting-self’ away from the surface of ‘me’ because the bad guys would see me, know me and shut me down if they did. Until it was time, at which point I could come out from under, come into myself fully finally, and act on banishing them. That is exactly the “concept-model” of the whole end-times scenario that 3rd has!! — except of course his is vastly bigger/more powerful. What a parallel though! That can’t be coincidence…

P