If I don’t see it, it can’t see me.
If it can’t see me, it can’t get me.
So if I deny it, I’m safe.
OK I feel better now.
Every so often, like a cyclical thing, I hit a wall of great frustration, avoidance, and denial. The last time it seemed mostly in response to the Aeons. It took a talking-to from the 3rd of 4 to set me straight. The time before that it was the horrible Knight of Wands, aka the mother of all archetype meditations.
This time I’m not sure what the issue is. If the most threatening thing is “major incursions into my identity,” it might be the growing information about and understanding of the role of chakras. In a way this feels even more disconcerting and threatening than the Aeons did. But that isn’t even up to full level of interaction yet. So then again, maybe it’s not any one thing. It might just be some overall accumulation of weirdness that at some point reaches brain-frying level, and I have to deal with that before moving on.
I seem to be in rejection and denial of everything. The other day I wrote out this dream/daydream. Usually I read things through in the edit screen, then again right after posting to find errors in real-display, and sometimes again later in RSS. I didn’t read this even once, just typed it through and didn’t even want to look at it. A friend started talking to me about it; I didn’t want to talk about it. I consciously noticed this reaction and told myself I should go and read it, maybe there was something in it of import I was having an issue with. It took me many, many tries to actually finally read it.
Just a dream. Would make a nice story, fleshed out. So what. I can’t see anything in it that should disturb me, unless it’s some acceptance of ‘sharing’ myself with the river-of-sky spirit like the ‘riders’ did in the story. I don’t think so. Since IG introduced me to that entity and it gave me that ‘golden girdle’ of a rider I’ve never even had any awareness of it, never even thought about it again! If it weren’t for that earlier experience, I wouldn’t even have that model for what that meant. If that is something more real than just a pretty story, it hasn’t yet presented itself to my experience. So it doesn’t seem like it is that specific thing.
I’ve been avoiding the Aeon round for days. On the 1st was the last day I did one and today is the 6th. I’ve been thinking about things I want to meditate on, archetypes and body meds, but have had no desire to do any. Even when I have time, space, peace, quiet, everything is in place… I don’t want to. I feel my denial like a tangible, physical thing with no specific area of location. I’m still pretending I’m meditating or ready for it, but it’s not real. Like me and my “inner self” are playing that pool game where it calls out, “Marco!” and I call back, “Polo!” while getting out of its reach as fast as possible.