I started my day so well. I got enough sleep for the first time in eons. I really spent time with the Four this morning. I hung out with the Aeon Ithikah for awhile. Had a chance to eat before work. It was such a lovely start to the day. I felt so grounded and calm.
So it figures I’d have the worst day I’ve had in eons. I won’t bore you with all the details but I’m losing $650+/mo from my paycheck for a debt that is now quite literally 6x what I borrowed in 1983, a meeting with high-muckeys went simply horribly at work, a couple other lousy things happened at work, and by the end of my day I had that feeling where, since there is no ledge handy, you know you should just go to bed quickly and get the day over with before anything else even worse happens.
Surreal as it was, I felt surprisingly calm and grounded through all of this. I even had a little of that “everything is as it should be” feeling. And a sense that I needed to not focus on the chaos of the little things, especially the negative things, and instead focus on the sense inside me.
I gave the sole laptop of the moment to the teen and decided to meditate a little, just sit with the Four, no big deal. I drew odd pictures on paper for awhile, modeling the Four in various ways.
Had this sudden bizarre impression that the famous reference to “the circle squared” was not referring to a circle and a square, but a circle with a 90 degree angle placed against it– literally “a square” the tool that Masons and Carpenters use — which, if you put it to the top of a circle and draw out, actually creates a big triangle, the pyramid sort. After boring myself with this I looked again at “The Universe” card which I *still* after all this time have not done the archmed to finish, good grief — and considered it further.
I see something new every time I look at it, and wonder how I missed it before. Last night, harmonizing with the Four a bit, I had wondered for a few days, if the Senior was a tall rectangle and black and red, what symbols might the Queen be? And I saw this circle like a ribbon, that I kept following around and around, and she said, “I am the circle without end.” and I realized it was a
Torus (whoops not htat. I had the wrong word. It was a “Mobius Strip”). I thought that was novel. (Not like this is good for anything, mind you, but at least now I have one symbol for her.)
Didn’t get any sense of colors though, although bright “gold” always shows up whenever I encounter her visually, one way or another, so maybe that’s one color.
I pondered the card some more and considered that when making the Thoth Tarot, Crowley and Harris really were total geniuses, more than that; serving a purpose larger than themselves and channeling some good stuff I would say. I suspected that no matter how much ‘education’ AC had about the topic, that there is a lot in the cards that even he was fairly oblivious to.
I went through the whole deck then, and picked out some cards that specifically attract me, that I’d like to meditate on. A couple I was attracted to at the moment is all — The Sun, The Lovers, The Priestess, the Knight of Swords. (Even though his Saturn-green armor worries me. I ‘respect’ Saturn with the power of awe=fear. But never mind…)
Then I pulled the cards that have always been the most compelling to me: “Adjustment” is “my” card, whatever that means, the first time I ever saw Tarot is when I went through Thoth the first time and I “knew” that was mine, back in the Bewilderness days. I did try meditating on this eons ago (in this blog somewhere) but the result sucked. Go figure.
I got the Ace of disks, the Princess of Disks, and the Queen of disks, my favorite cards. Then I sat there thinking, that seems odd. Why would all these be my favorites, from the same suit? There are far more beautiful cards — The Universe is more beautiful, certainly — and yet those others, the Queen and Ace in particular, have always drawn me so powerfully, as if I wanted some huge version of them as a poster I could hang up in my room. (Seriously, the OTO is missing out on a ton of money not selling those things as posters.) I just want to fall into them.
I sat there not thinking about much for a few minutes, and then inspiration just hit me:
I’m going to meditate on the entire Disk series, from Ace to the Knight, RIGHT NOW.
Except I have to start with Universe because IG assigned me that and well, it’s overdue.
And I decided to add the others I wanted — the Sun, after Universe, only because it’s such a positive archetype at least when I’ve done the planetary version in archmed, and the others after the Disk series. I wrote it all down in my notebook, got all set to go, set the Universe card down in front of me and closed my eyes and said ok IG: I’m ready.
I made sure I felt the Four woven with me. Lately we’ve taken up the feeling inside me like each two are a helix and those wind around each other. I know, the double-helix of DNA, that was the colorful pattern in the real long shallow pool in the garden that led up to the Castle. There’s probably something to this, not sure I’ll ever know what.
I felt a bit sorry for IG momentarily; how hard must it be to “force novelty” with me, when it is so tough for my left-brain to “let go” and let this happen? People sometimes email me as if these experiences just wend through my life all the time but it actually takes enormous effort for me to arrange the “suspension of disbelief” to be functional in this realm even occasionally.
After a time I realized IG was not making it dark or porting me anywhere. She was doing something around me that felt a little like being wrapped up by a spider (not that I am any expert on that feeling, fortunately), but I just went with it, let it be without forcing attention on it, until it felt like it was “done.”
Then I allowed a feeling, and I felt completely closed in by something very thick, organic and white. A cocoon. Not sure what to do in there, I just sat quietly and let it be for awhile. I felt eons of time passing. I mean literally I felt as if in my cocoon, which felt like it was around me sitting up on my bed not just in some headspace, as if I was “steady” but everything around me, time itself, was passing at indescribable speeds.
Millennia passed, and multiplied, and then millions of years, and then time such as words have utterly no relationship with. I realized with some sense of humor that IG had managed to move me to a completely different space without moving me in space at all. I felt it was “time”, and I sawed through the cocoon top to bottom and pulled it open, and squeezed out.
I saw the thin shell of me inside, and realized that I was different now. Light and with wings. Like a butterfly, I thought with humor, I guess that goes with the symbol.
None, breathed the light, faint & faery, of the stars, and two.
The quote ran “through” me as as I felt myself floating. That seemed interesting, that Liber al vel Legis would be running through my head like that.
I flew up to the top of very high trees that were around where my cocoon had opened, but I was nervous to go above them. What if there is a big bird? What if something eats me? I felt so vulnerable, being so light and winged, not being on the ground, not having hands. I wanted to go out into the empty landscape I could see outside the trees but I worried. I found an extension to the trees and followed them far around a curve into the distance instead.
Let go, one of us (the Four) said inside me. I worried. But what if…? Let go.
So I let myself go, and I flew up high into the air in the middle of what seemed totally empty land, a whole world of empty earth, except the tiny space where IG had stopped me. There was nothing that could hurt me, I realized: because there was nothing there at all. I landed, and called out: Archetype of The Universe, show yourself!
And there he was. Or wasn’t, depending on how you look at it. At first I had the impression of a humanoid figure with something really weird about the head like “rounded wings on the side of the head”. But that was only for a moment, and then it was just — nothingness. Like there was this black 3D emptiness where normally there would be the shape of someone. Except it wasn’t really a shape either, except for my convenience, I could tell, since my brain has to wrap around something, after all.
I felt a little disconcerted. Surely the universe is not nothingness! I mean I HAD the “nothingness” experience in the Abyss — no horror comes close — but the universe is everything, not just nothing, part of me argued like a child.
I remembered I was being rude to my guest.
“I honor you, and thank you for conversing with me,” I said, bowing slightly to it. “Tell me,” I continued, since I had no idea where to start frankly — I mean you can’t exactly ‘heal’ nothingness, right? — “What can I do to work with you?”
It walked to me until what would have been a nose was nearly touching mine, and hands, and I said, “IG, would it be ok to weave us?” and she seemed ok with that, so she did. This is where, real fast, from the feet to the top, she basically slices the energy into molecule-thin layers of both, and then shuffles them together like cards, so that we are merged but not truly merged, just fully experiencing both oneself and the other.
When we were together, he pulled us back, away from the empty earth, out into the sky, and looking down on an ‘orb’. I realized it really was just that: an orb of energy; static, silent, still; moved through time.
“If I were to work with this,” the archetype said, “I would fold it into the infinity of darkness, as you call it.” Our hands moved and the orb disappeared in his visualization.
“Oh, but no, no!” I cried, suddenly feeling unusually passionate about it all. “I would do this!” and I waved my hands and brought it back. “I would give it tons of light and love and colors and shape and time! I would give it everything, infinite everythings!” and as I waved my hands, I began with butterflies in every color and size and design, but expanded to an entire planet of everything.
“We will divide this,” he says, “and it will turn to you, and then to me,” and I saw the living now-planet turn into the shadow of night on one side and the light of dawn on the other.
Erubus saw night was falling, and he was falling in love
He saw through the dark into her heart, and married her up above
And they came to call their children Night and Day…
— (from a song I wrote after reading mythology, age 15 — forgot it entirely probably for 30 years, until that moment when it ran through my head!)
“But there must be some relief from the light,” he said, “a part of me, in you.” And I was in the desert, watching a distant animal sleep in the dark shade of a couple of trees, and in the cool darkness of a cave with a dripping sound, and then in “partial mixes” like the shady glen of a forest, and the deep grey of a stormy day.
“Your darkness is too utter, also!” I said in response, “We must have the relief of me inside you, as well,” and I dotted the sky with stars, and two small moons in the distance that would reflect my light even in the darkness.
I was really into it and forgot myself for a bit! — living it like a movie — when I realized that we had just acted out some archetypal play of sorts, and that struck me as very interesting, and then I suddenly realized that I wanted him. I mean in the most carnal way.
Yes, he was actually a void of nothingness with a winged non-head, but this didn’t seem to matter at that moment. And I had the understanding inside me, maybe of the Four, that this feeling — this WANTING to be one with the archetype, this emotion — was the most powerful point, more powerful than everything else that goes on in a meditation, that to a degree, everything else is really designed to attempt to bring about this feeling.
And I just let myself WANT him, want him to be part of me and merge truly and that was the ticket apparently as I had lots of fabulous archetype-rushing like crazy then, for awhile, and I felt very good after that. Had a couple big “energy yawns.”
And that was that. It actually was a short meditation, all in all. Finally after all that time, I’m through it! I looked up at IG — high and to the left for some reason — and said, “I love you so much! Thank you SO much for everything.” And nearly sobbed for some reason, but moved on. Now on to the rest of the list.