When I was early into archmeds circa… end of ’91, early ’92 I think… most of those I did were on “things in my life.” Usually something I had and didn’t want like some kind of problem, or something I didn’t have and did want, like more money or a new apartment or whatever. People I had a relationship issue with. Future events I wanted to go well. Often multiple things combined. I’ve done ‘several’ of those over the time in this blog (many years) — but incredibly few, compared to what used to be the norm for me.
So Monday (six days ago) I was driving downtown and suddenly my van wasn’t shifting properly, like revved way too high before it would. This was out of the blue, very sudden. I thought maybe it needed transmission fluid, so coming home from the short drive I stopped at the nearest auto shop. I’m not fond of that shop. And the guy said I had to come back the next morning. So Tuesday morning I leave at 7:30am to get there before 8 when they open.
And the car won’t start. It sounded just fine, turned over and everything, but just at the end where normally there’s a spark and it starts, it doesn’t. The shop I like is booked till next week. But I paid to have it towed there. So I don’t have a car right now which is very frustrating. I don’t even go out much, even to shop, but should I WANT to shop, that’s likely the time my car wouldn’t work, you know how it goes.
So first it was an anomaly, worked ok to get home, but then wouldn’t run at all.
Last night it was time to make some homemade salsa, been working on the veggies for a day, roasting and peeling. And to make some more ‘disks’ (baked dough from coconut flour and tiny bit of fine flax meal (plus spices), after tortilla press, that I use for small sandwiches, pizzas, tostadas, and so on). Fast and easy. When I ran the ninja (food processor) for the salsa, it gave me this red-flashing light, like when it is not put together correctly. But I just kinda leaned on the latch to the lid a bit and it was fine, and I finished it and put it in the fridge. I was feeling oddly satisfied as I set up two batches of the disks stuff. So glad I found something so easy and fast to make that works for me finally. Had decided to use a teaspoon of parmesan in the spices this time. I’m humming to myself as I go.
And the food processor won’t start. The red light blinks, and I fuss with the position of the container, the position of the lid, I check the blade assembly, I check the power cord, nothing. I do all that again. Nothing. Unplug and replug repeatedly, nothing. Take it entirely apart. (There’s only three pieces: the container, a blade-thing inside, and the lid.) Put it back together. I use this thing all the time, I know how it works, I know how to put it together properly, I know the container handle must be in front and the arrow on the lid must line up with the container but this is a given. No matter what I do, it’s a paperweight, blinking at me.
Normally, I would just be really frustrated. I just spent 50 bucks — I am still (I admit kind of happily — for now) unemployed so money is a big deal — buying a new container about three months ago, but it has worked perfectly all this time. There’s no way to even know what I might need to “do” to fix it, since everything I have is in good shape. Maybe it’s some obscure short in the connectivity of something. Maybe it’s something internal that nothing I could do or change would fix. It’s a black box problem, since everything is done correctly (even looked up user manuals and google search to find more info) and it still won’t start.
So the normal thing to do would be to curse at it briefly and then put the stuff in the fridge and stomp off to think about what to do next. I am NOT buying another expensive ninja because this one has suddenly decided not to work anymore for no good reason. (And I was pretty irritated after finding the same basic instructions for fixing this problem for the 50th time in google. This shit is obvious, what if it STILL doesn’t work after that??) But this recipe is super easy with a food processor, and a super big pain in the ass without it. Seriously, without it, you gotta go back to the fathead dough approach of nuking the cheese and then trying to get everything mixed together with muscle and renuking it cause it’s not soft enough anymore and then your egg if cold is gonna cause issues and it’s just such a bother. I won’t even make something if it’s that much trouble.
I’m getting more and more upset inside, and wondering why I’m a bit over-emotional about it, but ignoring that. Then I think, “That does it! Screw you ninja! I’m gonna go buy a forty dollar food processor at Walmart! So there!” And I stomp out of the kitchen — only to suddenly realize — I can’t.
Because my !#$(& van is in the shop across town. For another week.
So, being all adult and mature about it, I sat down and cried. Then I angrily ranted at Mark, because I felt like my universe was fucking with me and it wasn’t fair.
A bit later, Den (guide of ‘things of which I am in denial about’) shows me the parallel:
Van has an anomaly, but it’s ok. Next time I try to use it, it won’t start.
Ninja has an anomaly, but it’s ok. Next time I try to use it, it won’t start.
I realize the same energy is underlying these things. And I realize if I don’t address it, and it keeps fucking with my reality, probably the next thing to go will be my sewing machine, which I desperately do NOT want anything to go wrong with (ever, but especially right now when I’m working on something I hope to be able to wear in case I get a call for an interview).
So… I gotta meditate on that. The first archmed on “life-stuff” I’ve done in eons.
I stand near Mark. A thick metal open-center 3-D triangle formed in front of and above me and then lifted as a thick cord appeared on it, and two short horizontal bars tied into it that I recognized as something you would sit on (the bottom) and hold onto (the top) like a rope swing. So I got on that and it lifted and flew me for a bit. The sky in front of me opened up in the center and I went ‘through’ and it was dusk. It set me down.
Sierpienta, I called, finding her in my hand, Which way should I go?
She pointed to my 2 o’clock and so I set out that way, imagining a scabbard on my back I put her in, and then imagining that rose nebula nexus sphere was in a leather bag tied at my waist, and then the rose merkaba triangle as well, despite I’ve never yet been able to use it. Just in case. I put wand in my pocket, figuring I might as well have the portable power tools with me as an attention thing as a norm, and began walking toward what I could eventually hear were men’s voices, coming from an area just out of sight around a small bluff with some trees.
There were six men hanging out and talking. It was like they were camping or something casual. I saw nothing overtly wrong with them or the environment.
Are you an archetype? I asked, confused because archs are not normally people let alone multiple people.
Yes, they all said in unison.
I’d like to share the energies of me, which manifest as the elements, I say to them, OK? Can we do that?
They line up facing me, seeming willing. So I ran the rain-of-love on us, calling in Queen (next time I will add Ace of Cups, I forgot). Normally this is where I am likely to get some rushing, but I got nothing. They morphed weirdly though, as if part of them were melting away, and then they morphed into three men instead of six.
I ran the ‘sun-of-love’ on us, calling senior, and we all become totally hard statuary that shattered-cracked all through.
I ran the wind-of-love on us, calling third, and it blows all of us completely away except this tall stick, right in the middle.
I ran the manifest-elements on us (next time I will call Ace of Disks for that also), and although it created sparkles that stayed in all of us sticks, that was it.
I want to spend time with you, know you, love you, I say to them. What would you like to do, that we could do together?
Go-Karts! one says with enthusiasm and the others go “Yeah!” like they’re all age 12.
So Mark dropped us at the entrance to an area at a theme park, and we got in go-karts and we raced around.
I was lost in a memory:
When young, I often lost games, in part as I played mostly with boys. But I realized, remembering, that I had often lost on purpose, even non-physical stuff like board games. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to win. I’m very competitive (when appropriate). It was that when someone else lost, they were such a damned poor sport about it, a sore loser, and they’d be all jerkish about it, and it often kinda wrecked things for awhile, socially. Sometimes worse if they wanted to go home, especially if the ball was theirs. So I would lose, because I could do it and play up the “Oh gawd, awwwww” response — while actually being friendly and laughing about it, and they were happy to win, and then we could all still be happy together and have fun.
I pondered that apparently, my sense of fulfillment from winning was not as strong as my sense of fulfillment from having the people around me not be unhappy. This seemed like a good thing in an altruist sense, yet I understood there was something here related to a conversation I’d had with my best friend recently, about learning to de-prioritize one’s own preferences or goals, to prevent someone else emotionally acting out displeasure because they didn’t get their way in some situation between you. I realized that this is to some degree an issue with me also. Hard to say how much now, it’s been so long since I was around many other people. But I recognized the same energy.
I realized that this memory (as they all are during meds) was part of the meditation — part of the energy being worked with.
After that we jumped on trampolines, and then we strapped onto the front of us ‘flying’ things like the the foot-rockets that exist now (so incredible!) that I’ve seen in a few videos. We flew for a bit, ended up over ocean, and then saw something down to the right on the shore, looked like a small clearing where there was a wooden structure, part was on fire, black smoke rising, and people around the structure, trying to hand each other buckets of water from a well fairly distant.
We detoured toward it, saw this giant container not far away like a big wooden pot you could fit about 5 people into, like a deep jacuzzi, with metal handles all over it, welded to the metal rings holding the wood beams together. We all picked it up, and flew a short distance off and filled it in the ocean, and as we brought it back some of the men were shouting to us and pointing at one specific area, the one most on fire but a bit to the side. We went over that, and dumped the entire thing straight down on it. It was a huge splash, and it extinguished the fire, and a few flames offside they got with buckets.
We landed and just watched them a bit, and then took off to a nearby cliff and sat on the edge together. I had been waiting for something to… well, cause some merge rushing, or… something.
I guess I’m not ready to merge with your energy fully yet, I said to them. Could you guys put something “on or in” my body so I work on better integrating you?
They asked what I wanted. I suggested a flat band bracelet on my left arm. Instead they gave me a bracelet on each, and instead of being a flat band, it was thin, and then had a design with three partial-swirl circles in a row, turned perpendicular to the band so the design was toward my wrist and upper arm instead.
I asked what they wanted and they said something of your heart. So I made a heart-shaped energy form, and I poured a little bit of my chakras, my aeons, my four, all my body’s manifest elements, and then specifically some love, and it seemed solid and like a sort of glowing platinum then. They Oooh’d over it which is funny, never had an arch do that before, and it shifted into three of them and they each absorbed it into their chest, and then faded away.
Back on Mark’s sofa. Don’t feel very sure what I might have accomplished, but at this point perhaps the biggest accomplishment is simply meditating on it, acting upon something in my life, for the first time in far too long.