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This is partial and I will have to do another. Was part of evening work with Mark.

I said I wanted him to combine the energy of whatever makes me eat bad foods sometimes, or do anything else that is sabotaging my life in one or more ways, plus the dominant resistance to him. Plus add whatever he wanted. I had this light overlay on the idea of being suicidal and that’s what it amounted to.

I was in his area, looking up at the sky, when something was changing shape above me and then started communicating. I had some time of interaction, only to then “realize” I was having interaction and lost it entirely. It reminded me of identities like Private Oracle where the info is only present when they are present and the minute it is past, it’s entirely gone. He explained it once like seeing something through a doorway as it passes by, that you have to ‘bring it into your world’ while you can because when it passes it is gone from you. Anyway so whatever that was, is gone from me.

Then there was another brief thing and I got the word “oncology” and it vanished. (The study and treatment of tumors.) Oh gee, that makes me feel better…

I was having, after that, an intensely difficult time with not falling into daydreaming. I did a quick runthrough of chakras and Aeons but it was like every smallest thought led me to some daydream, and there was this sense of want with the daydream, like an ‘appetite’ for it, sexual or food or anything else all seemed similar at the moment. Like for some reason it wasn’t just coming with some mental distraction but with some element of addiction or at least body-temptation.

He gave me (possibly because I was pathetic so something else would have been unworkable) a fairly traditional arch, in that it was singular and present. It was a man except his face kept cycling into being this weird sort of cross between an elephant and an anteater.  Head distortion means that there is some energy that is foreign to my mind and so I welcomed him and we did the four elements. On the sun when it dries ‘through’ any areas with issues, each side in my middle-upper torso literally cracked all the way through me, deeply almost disturbingly. I spaced out more than once and had to bring myself back. I was so irritated that it seems like all this time not meditation has clearly lost a degree of skill in ‘attention.’

(I originally typed ‘viewing’ not meditating, and later saw it and changed it. I’ve been thinking more about viewing lately than I have in eons.)

After we were done, I had the subtle impression that we should leap up impossibly on a giant boulder mountain and then hangglide. It was so subtle I dismissed it, before I realized I shouldn’t have, and went back to review whatever it was and asked him if he wanted to do that (he was normal now). We actually had a great time doing this, and ended up coasting over a world, not modern enough for autos but maybe just before that, and there were several boats. I got some good body-rushing when we leaped off the cliff with the gliders.

I think this is the first time I have noticed a ‘subtle feeling’ about something I ‘should’ do. Usually I just feel the urge to do it, as if that urge comes from me.

I spaced out and fell asleep. I am profoundly sleep deprived, because of the kitten, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I woke up not long later (because of the kitten) but mostly just fought trying to sleep against being attacked the entire night and didn’t get back to finishing the med. While I was typing this, the adorable monster has fallen asleep so I’m going to see if I can finish before I post this.

later

I continue walking with him, holding his hand. He takes me to another place, his world. There’s people around, I can’t really tell what anybody is doing. I get this visual of a glass container shaped sort of like some kind of organ and it is filled with dark blood. Doesn’t really seem good. It vanishes.

He suggests to me that we should leap off into this complete darkness. That seemed odd.

“Mark,” I ask, “Should I?”

“Yes.”  And it’s about two seconds before I realize — he wouldn’t say that. And he wouldn’t ‘say’ it. And it wasn’t him. I would feel it in me in that case. He speaks when necessary but it wasn’t.

I said to the archetype, “I think… I think this was… a guising. A glamour. Holy crap, an archetype can do that?!” He doesn’t say anything but I sense the answer is yes. He doesn’t feel bad or wrong to me, though. I mean, I feel like this was me, as well as the arch, conspiring to get me to agree.

I look around the ‘world’ I can’t see too clearly. “I suspect this is ALL guising,” I say. “Self! Remove the glam and show me what is really here!” I command.

And the environment is suddenly completely different. All the people are still there and the structural or environmental shapes seem the same. But suddenly they are poor, starving, miserable, everything is some combination of ‘everything bad’ — dirty, burned, flooded, poverty, etc. — and I say, “My god. This whole landscape is like of death with little brief elements of barely-surviving.”

Then I realized it was a pattern I’d seen before. In a meditation not long ago, “Towers of Power.”

I considered that Carey Reams insisted that cancer as actually aggregate collections of dead cells, and I wonder if my body is literally telling me that I have or am getting disease and need to deal with that.

I remember how Seth said that disease was actually suicide.

I WANT TO LIVE! I shout to the interworld.

I am suddenly overwhelmingly sleepy and decide to lay back and get comfortable. Then I sit up abruptly, realizing that is a denial strategy, and open my laptop to write this down before I forget it. Returning to med now.

Later

I go back to the landscape and holding the arch’s hand. I pull in chakras and Aeons and the 4, Mark and Sun and then the other planets, and I consider what the heck I can do.

I want to live! I say strongly to all of them.

Finally I decide that strong emotion is required and so I focus in the ‘center’ of me and then sit up straight, put my arms out and just blast the entire area with love-live-evolve feeling, as much as I can which is not as much as I’d like but some. I realize as I’m doing this that I have done this many times before in other situations, such as when I was in a world and “forcibly evolved it” to a certain point. I do this until the blast of energy finally falters in me and I let it go.

“Tek,” I say, “I’m sorry I let anything get to this point. We will work together more often.”

“More water,” he says, “And more of the C, but in smaller more frequent doses.”

“OK,” I agree.

I tell the arch I am grateful for his friendship and insight. He gives me two armbands that surround my forearms and will “merge into me” over time with his energy and I let him take energy from all around me from neck to base of spine. The back right bottom of my head itches. I’ve had a lot of energy issues there with cleansing. I stop him taking something from that, and first have Tek help me pull out any darkness of which there is plenty, and then I let him take some. We wrap up the meditation.

Then I go to Tek and clean up that energy, deal with that.

“Mark,” I say, “I want to live.” I think for a minute. “I’ll be back again tonight,” I say.

And that was that. Sigh. Well, I will be avoiding cheese and sugars more than usual for awhile.

P