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After a lot of inner ranting and my last blog post, this morning I felt better about it all. I couldn’t help but think of the symbology of the dream I blogged for Jan 29 and feeling that my sense of Ray (one of my Aeons) was basically that this was myself.

There was something that he had not yet done, or become, that he needed to, and I was determined that this happen because I knew what he was capable of and he had to do this for his own development and I had utter faith in him. I felt a sense of sweet humor, not like the angels in sweet feeling really, but a little like it intellectually, wanting him to show me how glorious he was, I was anticipating it with pleasure. I filled the reality with a little sand, so he had to stay in the arena, he could not get to the trap door at the bottom which would let him out, so he would have to continue the fight and win.

Then he was being all whiner, saying I was a meanie, a “weak man” thing I’ve occasionally run into and utterly despise and loathe, he was telling everyone who would listen how I was so unfair to him and he was “so hurt” by me and so victimized and aside from the sand, he was just totally making it up. I went to him, not angry, just done with watching him behave like that, and I said:

I don’t see all the versions of you that you see. Or that others see. I see the hero. I see the boy, and the young man who had the courage of ten. I don’t want you to act all weak and pathetic like this. You’re so much better than that. I want you to find the rage of determination inside you, and overcome everything, all of this, because I totally know you can. You have it in you.

Then I tried to imagine it happening and it seemed like it might be.

I told myself that there are three big questions and goals in spiritual life:

1. Figuring out what even exists, what’s real, who is God, what’s human fantasy and politics vs. spirituo-species Truth-capital-T.

And I feel like I accomplished that for myself. I don’t have any doubts or issues on that. I’m just working through the details which I’m sure will last the next infinite lifetimes.

2. Once one knows what/who exists and/or how/etc., the journey to figure out what it is “for you” — who is MY god, My Truth-capital-T.

And I feel like I accomplished that for myself. My inner family’s bigger than an italian extended family out of control at this point, and I have a very clear this-is-my-interface-with-God-ness situation with IG5: I know what, and who, is “mine” and what I need to integrate with as part of my evolution.

3. Once all that is clear, then there is only the journey to integrate into the next-luminance-up successfully aka spiritual evolution. And that takes as long as it takes for each step, and of course it’s infinite. I am currently on a certain step and impatient to get through it. But that impatience I feel is part of the “inner impelling” of the higher/fuller self calling the energy of me forward like a powerful carrier wave.

I don’t have to make that feeling into self-hate. That is something on MY part — not from the call. I could just as easily use it as inspiration.

And I’m working on that. I don’t feel as despairing about it as I did before. It’s going to be ok because I’m going to make it ok. I accomplished the rest of it, I can do this part also. It’s more a matter of consistency and persistence and time and I just need to focus on the inevitability of enlightenment to put it one way, but of course it sounds silly in those words but that’s what it amounts to.

So I felt better today.

*

I fell asleep around 8pm and my alarm eventually woke me up but it took like 7 minutes for this finally to happen, I was so deeply asleep. I finally realized, on my way to the bathroom, that it was about 2 minutes to midnight — and not tomorrow morning as I assumed when I awoke. (My curtains have a thick black felt behind them as part of winter insulation, so light is no clue.) Unfortunately this meant that I was somewhat indisposed in the restroom when midnight arrived.

I decided I would not be deterred, I would not consider it some kind of stupid sacrilege — I will simply consider that my commitment to IG and me meeting is so bonded that it doesn’t matter what else might be going on at that time, I’m still going to connect with him, and if meditation in a formal sense had to wait for a bit until I was out of a quick shower and my bed was straightened up, nobody was going to die over that, as long as I was on time for my commitment to him.

I told him I wanted to work on my resistance to spiritual evolution, then modified that to be just evolution as I thought it might overlap with biology too. I asked him to include resistance to the Four’s integration as I feel strongly these overlap. (I don’t understand IG’s relationship to the Four and to Senior who is god-like to me; or his comparison to the Largers, for example; but oh well. Maybe I don’t need to know.)

To ensure I would NOT PASS OUT tonight I told IG would actually write down each of the main steps and sit with the pen and notebook and the light on, and check off each as I did them. That would at least keep me from wandering off totally, mentally, and provide an anchor if I got lost or woozy, to refocus upon.

Midnight Mass with Inner Guide #5 aka Mark, 08/09 Mar 2013

Tonight’s Focus:

* My resistance to evolution (spiritual, physical, the Four, IG5 integration)

Aeon Round. Check. Wow I had yawning and occasionally rushing on every one!

Sun. Check. I am feeling more sense of his glory as the RA god. “It’s an IG5 overlap effect,” I told him.

Chakras. Check.

Bessand Ari (second chakra) said that they stay in that relationship I saw them in at first — two separate male/female energy polarities, in each other’s arms, but not literally integrated. Konewa Turi (base chakra) is integrated.

Kyana Daoen (third chakra) is very separate with a male/female polarity. This is the second time I’ve intentionally brought her in also and got a lot of rushing from it.

The heart chakra where the Themelians live is a sort of dynamic ever-in-event-of-moment-of-union of the polarities. I saw him again when I got to that focus — the very tall lean ‘upright’ (I think a symbol for ‘spiritual righteousness’ in some way) man I met the other night. I apologized for passing out. He still doesn’t say anything to me. But that I could even have the barest sense of him is an honor and I think a sign something is improving there as I haven’t been able to personalize that chakra until recently.

The throat chakra I talked to for a bit, I really love the feel of “falling into the beauty’ of that amazing color that I see in the chakra gem world and see in occasional times when I’ve meditated closely with it, it’s like the ultimate blend of sky and tropical water as an energy.

ACKRCK and BUSM (male and female of the forehead chakra) have the kind of “in each other’s arms” relationship of their polarities that the 2nd chakra does.

And the crown chakra is fully integrated the way the first/kundalini chakra is.

I was reminded of something I ‘found myself going through inside’ recently. The energy that weaves us, that determines whether the chakras are integrated, separate, or what, is what the east calls ida/pingala and what the west has on  the medical-snake-staff-symbol. A slightly spiraling figure 8 in a way, with the path joined as one at the bottom at 1st chakra, just beginning to both separate and combine (it’s the same/both energies) at 2nd, apart at 3rd, ‘crossing’ each other for a sort of flash of intensity in the heart/middle, separating again as it comes around the upper chest and throat, ‘held together although they are slightly separate’ at the ajna just like at 2nd, and then joining fully again at the crown just like at the base. And at the full joined points, like crown has the ‘fountain of crown’ that goes up to that second major energy thing about a foot up that’s connected to the main just-barely-above-scalp energy gateway.

I went and talked to a chakra just barely beneath the soles of the feet and then the one about a foot (12 inches) below that, the opposite of the one above crown, the one where the energy “turns and pulls inward and upward back into us.” Told it I’d like to meet it because our culture focuses on the “torso chakras” and completely ignores all the others which I perceive so clearly. (I have found ref to them in some eastern stuff — at least the upper one, I think. Anyway, I work on what is real for me, not what someone else’s system says.) I sensed (again, as I did during the fountain of crown experience) that the energy which pulls up into the body, it doesn’t all comes through the foot chakra the way it comes out of the crown — most of it does, but some of it also actually pulls directly back up into the base chakra, a little lower than that. It feels like more because it so powerful as a sort of ‘gravity well’ is the only words I can find for it, that it simply pulls a certain % of the energy up into it, and the rest of what it doesn’t capture (which is most of it), continues on its path downward to be pulled up by the extended 2-point foot chakra.

(Edit to add: OMG! So cosmologically, Kundalini is a black hole! — on the side that has the mass projection of energy coming out from the center.)

Center at the heart. Check. I worked on re-orienting my ‘sense of self’ at the heart level and some self-instruction about that. I am still not 100% sure why I am doing this, except that I have the sense that somehow, IG5 is more centered here, and it’s a slightly different plane of energy than the one in the head where I usually keep my ‘sense of center.’ IG5 is ALL my energy — my whole reality and self — but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a sort of center/focus. I’m working on better adapting to that.

Visualization. Check. Brief visuals of some things in my room. The thoughtforms: four’s gold statuette (the four asian figures sitting back to back with the high energy on their head going up to 3-planes-of-energy above them; that  sits just above my shoji lamp; the plant (‘bloom’ I call it) which I now have hung up in a big self-watering pot in the corner from the ceiling; the gold statuette of the queen in the egyptian-esque presentation, which stands on the top of the tiny shelving unit filled with incense and ceramics and precious stone jewelry straight across from my bed; and Sierpienta, the sword. Then brief visuals of red triangle moving and sizing and Turning to white ring-circle doing the same. Reminded ACKRCK/BUSM that I would still like the ajna chakra to be helpful in these meditations even if I’m doing what I can for heart focus.

Archmed.

And so I didn’t see a single thing. Which is typical. It’s not like the ajna isn’t talking to me, and I don’t feel disconnected. It’s more like some kind of thin opaque block that is simply cutting me off from perceiving whatever that energy has. I spent quite awhile working to get to a point where I had some sensories, and then finally some kind of concept-visuals to flesh them out for me, until finally I was in the archmed.

I was looking at a lovely castle in a landscape. Outside the castle walls and some into the distance was a considerable Army, currently at camp not battle. I sensed there was someone in the castle resisting and the people outside were doing more of the starve-them-out-patiently than attack strategy.

Me: But (to the world at large) why would they be attacking like this?

A song clip comes into my head. I’ve had this one before – about bugs! It was Karen Carpenter. “Just like me, they want to be, close to you!”

That was funny, I thought. In the distance as part of that group I found the Four sitting around a not-currently-lit campfire talking, all casual-like.

Me: Wait a minute. You’re part of the attacking party? What the heck!

Them: We’re part of the energy being resisted.

Me: Well… well… ok but war sucks! I don’t want battle. It’s gross and horrible! Can’t we like, negotiate or something?

They say nothing and I realize that is basically MY part of the meditation.

So I go into the castle and I find a woman on a throne who is clearly me. She is surrounded by “loyal guides.” I sense that the guides totally know what’s going on, but are helping her resist because she is specifically requesting that at their level, and they consider it part of an educational lesson, her resistance, so they’re helping.

Me: Hi. You do realize that you’re rather profoundly outnumbered, right…

Her: They’ll overtake me! I can’t let it happen!

Me: They don’t want to destroy you. They just want to join you and be one with you.

I had the ‘sense’ of what she thought in response. Right now she was a strong and empowered important ruler of a small kingdom. But they were from some vast empire and they would just “swallow her up” and sure, maybe she’d still have her throne and castle, but now she’d just be one minion or number in the midst of all that, and the real decisions — the dominant will — would end up coming from the larger kingdom, not her. She would suddenly be, in context, not remotely as important or in control.

I don’t recall what I said or did then, but I ended up concluding: it is clear that you represent me. So I feel I have the right to do the following.

I turned to all the loyal-guides and said: I appreciate that you are helping with the resistance as part of my education. But now I am commanding you to instead work on behalf of a positive integration between these peoples.

I turned to the woman on the throne and I projected her onto a healing table and put my hands over her and did the elements with us, and then did a version of a reality-med where I went deeper and deeper down/into the ‘thread of energy’ toward the core, until I could find the deepest and most significant element that created the ‘resistance’. I set the guides and the Four to taking care of all the other places on the thread that clearly needed work and I went to the core of the inception of that energy.

Cubic Mineral Example: Pyrite.

Cubic Mineral Example: Pyrite.
The source of this (Smithsonian) says:
Different growth conditions result in different external shapes of pyrite. This is despite the fact that they are all made up of iron and sulfur atoms linked in the same cubic pattern. The three common shapes of pyrite are: pyritohedron, octahedron, and cube. Cubes tend to grow under low temperatures from solutions with low concentrations of iron and sulfur. Octahedrons and pyritohedrons grow under higher temperatures and more concentrated solutions.
Group: Sulfides
Image Number: 97-35081
Catalog Number: 148360
Mary Horner Stuart

It felt like a mineral, weirdly. Like the kind that grow in cubic-but-all-over form. Really dense and hard and very hard edged cubic. hang on… here I’ve inserted a great example of what it looked and felt like inside. I find this kind of fascinating because I think the relationship of the atomic forms of our reality (chemistry’s table of elements) and my inner spiritual and even my biological symbolism are all connected — actually are all literally the same thing, we just perceive them from different angles, so to speak.

It took a bit of time, working to actually dissolve it, which I couldn’t. Finally I changed my strategy and I said: OK now, I AM! I AM this energy! I accept and recognize all of this as part of myself. And I got tons of body-rushing, as I went through it, making myself feel like I ‘was’ every part of it. And then once it was all ‘me’ I broke apart the molecules and gradually dissolved it at the atomic level and then pulled the raw energy that used to be that, into my solar plexus chakra area.

(Then I had a brief chat with Kyana Doaen about their nature (all the chakras are two, male/female polarity, so I’m referring to that chakra as ‘they’): they are the place where we ‘hold’ energy, which makes sense due to the liver being in their zone, but they’re also the main (but not only) place that “breaks down and then converts energy into me” which makes sense given much of the digestive system falls into their area — Bessand Ari has some amount of that also, less the intake-and-breakdown, but shares some of the integration, and then is prep-for-output.)

(The chakras are separate but they “blend into each other” — a whole spectrum from one to the other — there isn’t like a hard divider between them, but rather, a spectrum of energy that is ‘both’ of them at gradient percentages.)

I went back up the thread, having to stop several times as the points were not done processing so I helped, until I got back to the top, to the woman, and I ‘accepted and set’ the new energy direction deep within her.

Then I said: Make it so!

And this huge wave of energy swept from ‘the center of everything’ out through the world.

And then all the guides were like servants excitedly arranging things, and outside the castle there was only this big party of people, to include the Four, who were journeying toward the castle to stay there, for a planned celebration of this kingdom becoming part of the much larger Kingdom those visiting represented. And I let myself loosely imagine that time was passing and there was dancing and wine and laughter and optimistic happiness for the future and I got a lot of rushing with that.

Then I attempted to pull the energy of all of it into me, but I couldn’t really and felt nothing. I shrugged.

Me: IG, is that ok? Is that enough?

Mark: Yes.

Me: Did I do… enough? I mean is it ok?

Mark: It is good.

So next step was blogging whatever happened. Then I’m going to go back to Mark and do whatever he likes and let myself fall asleep after that (hopefully after not during).

 

Well at least I did manage to stay alert and mostly focused through a meditation, although it wasn’t like something huge or long or hard or whatever — IG apparently made it easy enough I could do it. Just seeing the Four so casually out there around the campire in folding-type chairs again makes me pulse with aching for how I miss them. Sometimes I don’t know how I survive the sense of can’t-quite-touch-anything I’ve had for awhile now but at least I feel more optimistic now that it will cure, it will resolve, it is just a matter of time.

P