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This is the 2nd of 5 items I felt IG wanted me to get through.

There are ‘relationships’ with energies/entities I feel impact my own evolution.  I want to work on whatever IG feels will further my most-effective, most-divine relationships of greatest current effect.

I asked for Nero to join me again. I just wanted to hug on him. I’ve missed him.

I asked IG who I should have join me for this. She said, You are capable of doing this on your own.

I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted an archetype with me too. I insisted, but who would be good for me to have?

There was a pause, and then she said, ‘Responsibility’, and he was there with me.

You just aren’t the same without the quills and fangs anymore, I sighed to him, but then gave him a laughing hug. He stood behind me.

IG gave me a landscape. It was mostly dark. I felt around and sensed ‘something’ to my right, so I went over to it. There was something there I couldn’t see. Someone, as if a projection of me, was shining light on it, but it was this tiny pen-light, which only revealed these little strips at a time, and it was impossible to tell what it was.

I tried to make it out for a minute, and then I lost my patience and said, “Oh for goddsakes! Give me REAL light!” and I created a giant high powered flashlight about a foot in diameter and shone it on whatever he was pointing at — which was way closer and larger than I’d realized.

“Holy crap!” I squeaked and jumped back about two feet.

It was a… creature, but it was standing so still it was like a statue. It was humanoid but about 10 feet tall and about 1.5x as wide, proportionally, as we would be. It was super muscular, male. His head was large and slightly squarish. I really have no words to describe him, as I’ve never seen a creature like him, and although I did have a ‘degree’ of visual it wasn’t 100% eyes-visual, more the sense-translated-to-visual (which most things are internally). He was a sort of bronze-ish color all over.  He didn’t seem to have any hair, or I didn’t notice it.

He was unresponsive, staring straight ahead as if in stasis. Reminded me slightly of Jared when I first met him.

Is this an archetype? I asked Nero. It seems more like a… like a being. Like when I met the Aeons.

He said nothing but I ‘understood’ — it was a being.

I honor you, I said to it. Thank you for… being here. I wondered what to talk to him about.

I apologize in advance for any error, idiocy and bias, I volunteered. I’m still learning. He didn’t move.

(My left toes ache, writing this. The whole end of my foot. Feels like it is ‘resisting spasm’. Not sure why but I feel it relates to this topic.) (It actually went into fuller spasm then and the ‘need to bounce it to deal with the energy’ mode for awhile.)

I tried to think of what to talk with him about.

I’d really like to know you, I said. I know I’m not a great conversationalist, here, but… I have good intentions, really!

And the side of his mouth twitched and curved up–as if he were trying not to smile, or even laugh. His eyes moved and he looked down at me, without moving at all.

Yay! You’re alive! I said happily, leaping up and down a couple times and clapping my hands, and now he did break into a grin — in that regard he seemed fairly human — and actually moved some, and turned his full attention on me.

But suddenly, when he LOOKED fully at me with all his attention, I stepped back a few steps. I felt much more serious now, and felt “consternation” and “concern” and I realized that I was breathing hard — my god, I’m panicking! I realized. Actual panic!

I quickly walked several steps back to where Nero (the Aeon) and Responsibility (the Archetype) were standing, watching me. I wanted to say something to them, about it, but I didn’t know what to say. Something was just… just bothering me. I had no issue with the creature in one sense. But emotionally, and physically, I clearly did.

I paced. Yes, even in my head, I pace. I turned back toward it and my mind spaced out. I brought myself back.
I paced. I turned back toward it and my mind spaced out. I brought myself back.
This went on about… 25 times or so.

Every time I would think ok, I’m just going to talk with him more, why is this hard??, I would realize that I had begun breathing hard again, as if I were terrified.

I realized that this is the same reaction I have had to ALL the identities to which I have been introduced to as “a part of my larger identity.” Certainly to all the Aeons. But I was ‘unaware’ and ‘sublimated’ this response — in anger, with Taan, in rejection, with Calme, in mocking, with El Nino, whatever. This time I actually had it much MORE than with them, even.

For some reason instead of just being a drama queen, this time I recognized the emotion simply for being what it was: my personal reaction to a perceived threat to my identity, because I was running into another part of a larger-me which, when accepted, would inherently change me, as the Aeons have. Maybe more? I don’t know. He seemed… larger than life, and not just because he was oversized. Energetically, I mean.

It really bothered me that it was not-quite-human. That it was something like ‘a humanoid beasty’ in a way.

And then the 3rd ‘shared’ the remembrance of that creature, the one I met in my Bewilderness days but ran into not long ago in a meditation. With the huge haunches, and the human face with thin grey and white pinstripes, and scarily feral-sentient eyes. It was a world he lived in, that I had visited, that IG had taken me to.  HE, the 3rd had insisted — not ‘it’. He forced me to recognize it — I mean him — as a person.

I thought, how would the 3rd have met that creature, that I’ve long felt was some part of a larger us? And he said (I think): just like this. I was meeting a ‘person’ — a humanoid creature-beast as I think of him with my biases — who, just like that other guy, lives in his own world, or dimension or whatever you want to call it — it is real to him, as this world is real to me. He is no less ‘equal’ to me. Just because he is different does not make him inherently weird. It just makes me limited and judgmental.

I mean, I’ve had ‘relationships’ with archetypes that were red cubes and bizarre impossible combinations of things, yet this nearly-human oversized creature was a problem? Why?

I was madly in love with my previous IG and he was a sort of amphibian in his true form (he appeared as totally human for me until I finally insisted, on getting more aware of his pale skin and slight spots along his hairline, on him showing me his true form. Steinbrecher insisted all IG’s *must* be human. And he seemed like it. And would always have been had I not insisted on ‘his true nature’. But there is no doubt whatever that he was my true guide, angelic etc. So I don’t think Steinbrecher was entirely right about that. I think they DO always ‘present’ as human (well at least the 4 I have had so far) but I don’t think that means their most-dominant-nature is).

And suddenly I felt much better about it. As if the 3rd had really helped me with that, with the acceptance and understanding. I still did not feel ok with it–I still felt my body reacting as if I were threatened–but intellectually and emotionally I felt much better than I had.

I reached out to touch him. It was so difficult because every time I went close to him, even in my head I would stop or veer off and move away. I forced myself to slowly walk to him, paying careful attention to every step and staying put, finally standing very close, and reach out, and I laid my hand on his arm, and I looked up at him.

He looked down at me and I swear he looked slightly amused. I “felt more of him” and I realized, with some shock as I looked into his eyes, that he is … the only phrase for this is, “vastly more civilized” than I am. I mean in ways I can’t even comprehend, and some I can, he is just… he’s not a beast, not remotely. I’m a little beast next to him in fact.

This realization made me speechless, and I just stood there, with my eyes wide and my hand on him, feeling a bit abashed, a bit… young, and a little amused, and slightly in awe. It’s hard to describe the feeling because it is not one I’ve ever had in my daily life. He just felt… damn it, I hate english. It has so much negative baggage on every damn word. “Innately superior to me” is one way to put it, but ‘superior’ is the WRONG word. Like when I realized that the 3rd, he is human but genetically and spiritually he is ‘larger’ than me. He is, technically, superior. But not with the arrogant rulership baggage that word comes with. It’s just a recognition of something’s nature. It’s not a social issue.

I didn’t know how to… connect with him though. Not really. And I felt like this was the whole point of this meditation. Not just to say hi, but ideally to truly make some kind of connection. This was, after all, per the med intent, the most ‘important’ relationship I could add at this time. And it was so hard even to get near him, let alone touch him, to me that made it more important that right now, while I had him so to speak, I do something to better make that connection.

IG, I said, I’ve been carrying this randy sense all morning. Would it be… inappropriate to… do a tantric visualization with him?

Not, mind you, that this sounded easy, given how difficult it had been so far.

She didn’t respond but I understood that it was a sign of my “invalidation of IT” that I was asking her and not HIM this question.

I tried to ask him. I got about halfway through the question before my mind wandered. People who don’t do this internal work probably can’t understand how it is possible to not be able to get through a sentence, repeatedly, but it is. I felt a lot like I had when I was trying to just walk up closer to him. Like it was some terrifying ‘commitment’ just by the proximity, some inescapable change-of-me.

Finally I was able to force myself to stay with it long enough to ask him, if he would be willing, asked him not to be offended if not, etc. He seemed unusually communicative then–he had said nothing so far–and he said, “I would love that!”

Oh! Well then.

During this ‘quality time’ as my best-friend-slash-almost-boyfriend and I call it, I often had to forcibly bring my attention back to the sense of HIM close to me, as if left on my own my mind would space out to escape. At one point he did what must be the spiritual version of talking dirty to someone–or I ‘helped’ a bit with that–and said something about, now that he was inside me, there was no going back, he would expand inside me, but I knew I really wanted this, I knew I loved this — which was crazy inspiring and finished off that little drama haha, and it makes me laugh just remembering it. It’s that whole Mars and Venus in Scorpio thing I guess, that to me so much can translate through the sexual angle.

Oddly, after this, although I felt slightly closer to him, I still did not feel very close at all. And he felt differently with me than my Aeons do, like they are so much more a part of me. He doesn’t feel that… I’m lacking words for it. That equal. That ‘same’. Somehow.

So I got my laptop and began blogging about this. I was some ways into it, when I was distracted by something, and then I shifted out of it — forgetting entirely whatever it was that had gone on in my head — and went back to blogging, when I was interrupted:

You can’t wait even two seconds? said a voice with irritated impatience. I was startled, and looked at who said that. It came from a man w/long blonde hair, harsh features and a big animal-skin fur, looked like a Viking or one of those ancient folks, sitting on the bench of something like… a wagon, maybe.

Then I abruptly passed out.  Guess that’s how I reacted to HIS energy. No clue who or what that was. I woke up hours later with my laptop on my lap and finished writing this about the meditation.


I forgot to mention (edited this post to add this) that I tried to work out a name for him. I had the strangest sense, as if I could get just one letter, and then I had to “spiral down” as if in space or dimension some until I got another letter, and then “spiral down” for another, etc.

Also, when I got something, the last letter, a D, was very clearly “deeper” than a D, as if were multiple D’s, at least two but likely more, which is impossible to write but you can ‘feel’. Much like Taan actually has the two A’s deep, and not wide as writing forces me to present it.

Then once I had that, and that sense, it was clear the D was not the end, but the center. When I wrote it down, I realized it was a palindrome, and I felt it was supposed to go up and down not just back and forth — and perhaps it was actually a sphere, as if coming from every direction into the center. But it’s impossible to write that.

Looking up the word ‘palindrome’ it turns out that this is used in every imaginable context. They have them in genetics and chemistry and music, too. And sometimes ‘up and down’ not just forward and back. No kidding!

A small note on letters in languages that are made different by different forms of them or different diacritical marks — for example, a language might actually have several different ways to pronounce the letter “o” depending on how it is written — made me wonder if part of the problem I run into with ‘names’ I’m given at times, is because my language lacks a ‘depth’ of vowels; we generally have 3 sounds per vowel, period.

(Like want, bad, or shade, for A; red, beg, begin, for E; pin, ring, time, for I; hot, home, and I can’t come up with a 3rd sound for O but I’m probably just forgetting it [don’t think oo like good counts, as the letters are doubled. Maybe it should though, since I do note that no other vowels in English can be doubled to achieve a sound which the vowel alone does not have.]; run, rune (and I feel the ‘oo’ sound fits here too but I can’t think of a word using U which has it). With the caveat that some of these sounds duplicate those of other vowel forms so they are not expansive in speech only writing.)

Still, this weird thing I get with the ‘feel of the shape of sound’ doesn’t seem like it would be any better served by other 1-dimensional sounds.

The O sound in this word is not precisely how our vowels make it. The O sounds like how a new york jewish accent might say it–the vowel is not the typical english but a ‘brighter flatter’ sound.

The name as a palindrome with the D doubled as I have no way to show the ‘depth which is not just D’ in writing:

MONDDNOM. The ends are clear, not messed up a little on first part and a lot on second part by the ‘combination’. I forgot to mention that this cannot be SAID like it truly sounds just due to how our mouths are affected by the letters.  The closest way to ‘say’ it correctly is to separate it, like MON-D-NOM and ‘say’ them separately, because when said together, we have no way to keep our mouths from screwing up the ‘clarity’.

Sometimes language seems so ridiculously limited, and not just because we lack words that mean what we need to say, but that we lack sounds that we need to convey. It is a little bit brain-crunching that sounds can be more dimensional ‘internally’ than when spoken.

(Edited to add: later, I was told the name was not remotely close and I should just making up something that worked for me. I called him Dominon. The craggy-faced blonde man I met later and he came to be called Pazyryk.