Thursday 03MAY2012, Midnight Mass with IG
Afternoon didn’t happen. Did get food and supps today though. Last night’s MM sucked, I lost it.
Because I’ve lost my mind I’ve decided to try blending my own nootropics. Just wait till someone sees my fractional gram scale and white powder.
Tonight, I was allegedly ready around midnight but was in such denial that I managed to screw around for nearly an hour and a half before forcing myself to go see IG. This is the first time I’ve had resistance like this since I began “finally being consistent” which I think was about two weeks ago now. I finally realized that if I’m resisting this much, it probably means I need to get my butt in there even more. I figure, perhaps when something in me is getting closer to change that might happen, which only indicates more discipline is needed… I am dedicated. Finally. So I made it happen.
I didn’t tempt fate with all the normal lead-in stuff. I took 3 calming breaths and then ported to IG, who wasted no time either. After some very confusing swirling motion I was flat on my back looking up at the sky. Some creature that looked a lot like a person except with eyes 3x too big and perfectly round leaned over me as if standing above me. I had a flashback to the pinwheel-head-world which I had entered a bit similarly. But he just grabbed my hand and pulled me to standing, indicated with a head nod I should follow him and took off walking. I tried to keep up. It seemed like we walked for a really long time but maybe I wasn’t “following/allowing” well enough.
I also couldn’t see my environ except the people. Like my brain was blue-screening it. We went ‘into’ something like a doorway and some ways back into what seemed a very cramped, enclosed structure, and then stepped into something like a metal small round platform with railings around the top. I sensed he grabbed these firmly, so I did too, and then we dropped, and after a few moments what seemed like floors–striations in colors and the whompf-whompf rhythm of sound was all I could make of it–went past. We went a ridiculously long way down, till we began slowing, and I got a little more visual. Aside from the thing we stood inside holding onto, this was not an elevator, more like a single shaft. We were surrounded by air. Where we stopped, about six feet away from us a floor-like surface was extending, and when it reached us, he stepped out and I followed him, again ‘into’ what seemed like a rather enclosed hallway. We walked quite awhile and down a couple corridors and then finally, what seemed an actual door.
I could hear people talking in the room but couldn’t understand any of it. He opened the door and went in and said something, and when I followed him in, there was silence. There was a long table with chairs all around it. There were about 20-odd people around it, if you want to call these creatures that, all of them had the huge lemur-like eyes. Except one guy, a perfectly normal looking man perhaps in his 50’s, in a military uniform sitting near one end of the table. After the initial silence, talk brought out in some consternation it seemed. I got that the man had been sent to fetch me though I didn’t know how he would know I was there. Some people shuffled to get me a chair and they put me in the very end one, I believed so they could all stare at me. I tried to hear their language better but it was never real clear. The man who had brought me was seated at one side of the table near the middle. It got quiet again.
Tell me how you got here, he says to me, which I understood perfectly well.
You speak English! I said.
Now maybe this is silly, normally everyone speaks English in the worlds of my head, like Star Trek apparently there’s a universal translator stuck in the brain. But given they’d all been clearly speaking some other language, and he hadn’t spoken to me at all, I’d just assumed…
Several of us do, most of us understand it, he says to me.
I had a “gut sense” all the sudden from the normal man in the military uniform who was about four feet from me on the right. To be “wary.” To be a little cryptic. And this very “tenuous” sense best compared to a viewing “overlay” experience, something about making it all seem more… technology-based than it really was, in some respects, and to seem like I knew more than I did, like if I was smart and had survival skills, I would do these things. I avoided looking at him, with the sudden slightly paranoid suspicion that perhaps they would think he and I had some conspiracy connection if I did.
So I forced myself to relax, and to appear as if I had no uncertainty, no worries, and knew more than they did. About whatever.
I got here the same way anybody gets anywhere, I said with a slight shrug. Through intent.
Talk in their language broke out instantly as they clearly argued among themselves. They all seemed to agree with one sharp-voiced man near the far right side of the table who’d spoken to the guy, I sensed to have him ask me something else, though, as they got quiet.
What was your mode of transportation? he asked me.
I considered how I could answer this without it seeming more spiritual than technical.
Angelic Technology, I said.
More sudden burst of conversation from the big-eyes. Unfortunately my brain is not behaving well right now and I can’t recall the rest of the conversation but it was all basically of that nature. My impression was these guys were actually the mil intell of this world, all the questions were pretty specific to that nature.
They said something about the human-man there and I looked directly at him then, and I had the impression that I should appear warm toward him, as if finding a friend from home, as if I would be more open with him than with them just because he was of my kind. I thought I might have gotten this from him, again. Not sure why I felt like I could feel HIS intent. But I followed that gut-sense lead, to give them that impression.
At one point, I could ‘feel’ far more clearly what they were saying though I still didn’t understand a word. And finally I said more than I had before, in a rapid, no-nonsense tone, addressing each of the people who were speaking out in different ways, clearly having understood what they were saying.
So you speak our language! the guy who brought me gasped.
No, I have simply learned to understand what you mean, I shrugged.
This almost left them agog for a moment before conversation broke out again. After many more pointed questions and bursts of chatter, they spoke at the human guy, who agreed with something, and then suggested to me that I come with him. We got up and left the room and the ramp took us to the small elevator ‘post’ which took us way ‘up’ — which was still quite far down — and we went into a different place. This appeared to be a whole area where people, in this case the big-eyes, lived.
We went to his apartment, is what it seemed like, and I was delighted to see a window along the whole far wall. I ran to it to look out and see what the world was like outside. But I couldn’t see anything, I could tell my mind was blocking me, just like it had when I was walking in. And later I realized it couldn’t be truly ‘outside’ given we were way the heck deep in the ground. But it did have what really, amazingly seemed like daylight to me, coming through that window, and I wondered if they had some fiber-optic like technology to make that possible. The man offered me a drink. I looked at him silently for a moment, and then decided to be as forthright as I could be with him. Why not be honest?
Eating or drinking in the land of faery is not good, I say. It entraps you. I’m not really clear on what this kind of world qualifies as, but just in case, I don’t think I should.
He considered me, and I sensed he was noting that I suddenly seemed very honest and more vulnerable than I had in the room with the other guys, and thought that made sense, when you’re in the middle of a bunch of people who are basically aliens of some kind.
It will help anchor you here, but it won’t trap you here, he said. I sometimes eat when I arrive just to help settle my attention.
Speaking of attention, I lost it. I pulled myself back, and made myself pull to a moment after whenever I’d spaced out. He was staring at me.
Did I disappear? I asked him.
You… you phased, sort of, he said, as if a little fascinated with that. I felt that he knew about it, he’d just never seen it for himself.
Sorry. I’m learning to pay better attention, I apologized. Then I realized he’d suggested that HE got here the same way I did–attention. So where am I? What is this place? I continued, suddenly feeling more comfortable with him.
A close parallel world, he said. Slightly different evolutionary path. Technology a bit behind in some more dangerous areas, a bit ahead in some of the more benign ones.
So all these big-eyed dudes are… are people, I said.
He looked at me a little oddly then, as if what else would they be? Of course.
How did you get here? I asked him.
They got to us once, he said. One of them, anyway. I followed him back here.
Again I decided to be honest and open with him.
I can feel you, I confessed. Since I sat down in that room. Feel your intent, a little. Feel what you mean, what you’re thinking. Not in detail, just kinda. Which is how I know that there’s a lot more you aren’t telling me. I don’t know how long I’m here for, and I may never be here again, and it was really damn boring following that guy all over until we reached that room, I griped. So have mercy on me would you, and just tell me something specific enough to keep my attention from spacing? So maybe I can figure out why I’m even here at all?
After staring at me silently a few moments, he broke into a big grin suddenly.
Fair enough, he said.
He told me that over a decade before he’d been a regular soldier, in our world–he seemed to think we were from the same one–and one of the big-eyes had ended up here. Not in attention, but literally via tech–like a UFO. The brass had been trying to figure out how to talk with him and one of them recalled, he’d once had some dinner conversation with an officer who’d told him of this guy he thought was very clearly psychic. So for the cause he’d worked out who that was finally, and they had dragged this guy in. He didn’t understand the big-eye guy but after sitting with him awhile, he did start to get a good gut-sense of him.
Maybe because he’d been so fascinated, he actually fell into a dream that night where he found himself “in” the world that the big-eye had come from. He picked up several words that came to him, that seemed related. The next day, he tried the words out on the alien guy who really reacted to them, amazed that apparently our guy knew something about where he was from. The brass were very impressed. When our guy told the brass how he’d simply gone there in a dream, they told him to try again, consciously, to see if he could get there, since it did seem like the info he’d picked up had been relevant.
So he tried again, and he found it actually wasn’t difficult at all. Now that he knew it existed. He simply intended to be there. And he worked out the name of the visitor fellow, and he went back to the guy’s world and said nothing, allowed himself to be taken into what seemed an isolation unit and then an interrogation, and he gave the fellow’s name, as if to imply that it was a… like a trade. Like our people had their guy, and our guy had been sent to them. Like a diplomatic mission of sorts. It wasn’t really anything like that, I don’t think. But it seemed like a good way to play it at the time. They seemed oblivious to the fact that our guy was there mentally and could simply vanish when he wanted as they locked him up and walked him around places. But after awhile they put him in an apartment and started teaching him their language and eventually he became one of them. They had gradually gotten used to him and his tiny little eyes, and he worked with them.
But he still lived with us. He wasn’t really in his apartment they gave him at night. He would lie down and then just be back in our world. But he spent a full time job worth of hours–more, really–in his head, in their world. He’d simply put himself back to the time of the next morning for the next day. I had the feeling, though, that his physical life here was severely impacted by this, and that mentally it had side-effects too. I mean if you spend 12 hours in your head in one world and then you have a few hours in this world before sleep and it starts all over again, eventually you’re going to have some context issues.
What do I look like to you? I asked curiously.
He surveyed me critically. Blonde hair, blue —
I get it, I cut him off. And do you look like yourself here?
You tell me, he says with a grin.
Mid-50’s I’m guessing, silver hair, medium build, strong jaw, I said. His smile got broader.
Definitely my “residual self-image” he said, which I recognized as a quote from the Matrix movie, at least where I’m from, but he was laughing, and I had the feeling that wherever his body was sitting, his impression of it was more like some very fat mostly-bald glasses-wearing single older man. That struck me as kind of funny too, and I said, “Yeah, I know the feeling!” But it was far more ‘real’ for him than me, I guess because he was there all the time. To me it’s a world in my head and I wasn’t even very altered state so no real kinesthetics. For him it was a real-reality.
We sat around and talked and eventually I said you know, I think I must have some serious sexual repression going on, given how much of that energy is in my inner world. Either that or the whole Mars in Scorpio thing is more serious than I realize. I pulled him to me and said, So how about it? Is it possible for two people who are not even in a place, either of them, to have sex there? He seemed to think this was a great idea.
It went alright excepting that I ‘phased’ a couple times during it — Pay attention! he commanded as he kissed me, and then I started giggling because nothing must be more aggravating than to be in the middle of something like that and have your partner spacing out because they’re not paying attention. It was a bit odd for me, as if the experience rolled through my being dominant, my being ‘behind’ the experience of someone else dominant, my being completely spaced out entirely, etc. Before we even got anywhere he apologized that it likely wasn’t going to take long, which I found funny. I laughed and told him I’d have to come back and meet him there so we could practice. And we laid there and talked for quite awhile more before I left. I had the distinct impression I was the first human he’d been able to truly relate to in a very long time.
He gave me his full name. It was Anthony W. ___ something which I can’t remember, but then I figure just on the incredibly rare, unlikely event he really IS from my world and not just utter imagination, better I don’t have that on the internet anyway (no paranoia here…). He goes by “Tony.” He asked me questions, saying he thought it would give him something interesting to report that another one of our people were there, similar to him, so I answered him honestly, so he’d have enough to make it worth a report, all but my name. I told him if I were able, and it seemed right, that I would come back and see him again there.
I actually fell asleep about 3/4 of the way through that, woke up (kid woke me up) and continued. Then I went back to IG.
Really IG, I said in some consternation, Even without the whole casual sex element, that just doesn’t seem very… um… well very spiritual to me.
She said nothing, but I sensed she was asking why I would expect these experiences to “seem spiritual.”
Well if I were… if I were, you know, more evolved, more attuned to the holy, would that experience have been different?
All experience is different when you are different, she said inside me, and I admitted that did seem rather obvious now that I thought about it.
I wondered if the point was just learning to pay attention. Maybe in answer, I realized a few things.
I had forgotten to ask about how time worked there compared to here, which after the oddity with Galana I should have thought about. I forgot to ask what that world, or the people, were called. I forgot to ask about a ton of stuff that seemed quite relevant now that I was out of it and thinking about it. In fact, I’d spent what felt like a few hours there, although nearly one whole hour of it was probably spent walking it felt like, and the information I’d come out with was pathetically limited. Not only that, I couldn’t even remember half of what I’d gotten, either because I’d fallen asleep or just not been paying good enough attention.
I realized that these worlds amount to “training exercises.” Attention is not merely what kept me present ‘there’, it was what allowed me to ‘observe’ there, and what allowed me to ‘remember’ what I observed. All these things were implicitly tied together.
IG, I said, If this is like exercise, is this something I should be doing outside our time, so the time you and I have can be focused on something more important?
This is important, she replied inside me.
So, maybe the world or who I meet or what I do there doesn’t mean anything at all. (I hear inside me, after typing that: Everything means something. It’s simply that there may be other values to the experience, as well.)
Edited 31-May-2021 to add this picture I just saw online. See caption.
Well in a way I guess this actually relaxes me a little. I think I’ve been trying to figure out some kind of profound or cosmic deeper meaning in these various worlds, but maybe there isn’t really anything like that. Maybe it isn’t about the world, it’s about the practice of learning to ‘be’ via these worlds, and it’s merely that most of them have some secondary factor which might also make them interesting or valuable in some way.
It’s clear that I am more likely to ‘pay attention’ if there is a man involved; particularly if there is a soldier element, although this is something I have had from childhood–a strong empathy with soldiers, as well as other-life snippets of being one at times which might be why, but I might add that this is about the experience not the uniform so some people come through with that energy who aren’t, and some don’t who are–and if whomever was in focus was aware of me so we were interacting. As a mere observer, such as with the artist woman, I completely suck, it’s just so boring I can’t stand it.
I sense from IG that patience (or lack thereof) is one of the qualities that ‘attention’ is actually part of. Like if I were better developed, I wouldn’t require such ‘stimulation’ to hold it, but I also would be a lot more patient, more willing to just “observe and allow” without having to be the center of attention myself. I hadn’t thought of that. That boredom is a need for stimulation which is actually related to one’s ability to hold attention. I wouldn’t have correlated those things on my own I suspect.