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From 30AUG2012 morning:

What if the Aeons ‘dissolving’ dream I had was exampling that the aeons were so much more than just the single identities I have met? Well ok, of course it was, I knew that already. But I mean, in other words, what if Nero is representative of a certain Aeon, but the Aeon itself is vast (they are, I know that), and there are tons of different identities inherent in it? What if my attachment to the identities has prevented me from meeting other aspects of the same energy, or prevented them from ‘shifting’ as needed?

This hit me out of the blue earlier today. Pretty sure I was peeing when it hit, which just goes to show you how completely inconsiderate these “insights” are when it comes to mundania. I can sit for hours with candle and incense and soft music and meditation intent, awaiting cosmic insight and do nothing but fall asleep, but if I so much as use the bathroom or make dinner I’m likely to have whole worlds of new ideas arrive.

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I feel like it’s good that I see the discussions about RV on facebook and feel so surreally removed from them, feel like it’s a whole separate world I don’t relate to anymore, and a little bit in an aversion kind of way, as if you encountered this group of people that just wanted to mill about the halls arguing pedantically and incessantly about math or something and really important stuff like what color pen you use for the numbers, and meanwhile you were busy exploring the divine meaning of the number nine, and somehow you were all talking about numbers, but clearly were not talking about the same subject at all.

On some level, I feel like I needed to get to where I am right now. To where I could truly say, and believe, that I don’t know anything at all about viewing, and I truly want to start from the bottom with Marcan, as a respectful student, and learn whatever he has to teach me. It feels like some kind of letting-go was necessary, and that it’s a good thing.

I’m reminded of a guitar teacher I had in college (for about two days). He really did not give a damn that I’d spent five years laboriously teaching myself to play guitar, and could play everything from hard rock to Chet Atkins to impress even professional adults, that I’d been writing music copiously since I was 13 or anything else. That wasn’t spanish guitar which is what he was teaching, so as far as he was concerned, it was completely beside the point. If anything it was horrible because then students thought they had a clue, but everything they did was completely wrong for this style.

Meanwhile students were offended that he considered them as completely stupid as an 8 year old who’d never held a guitar in their life and everybody started in the same place. Most established guitarists took to this about like I did: I said, “F– that. I already play guitar. I think I’ll learn another instrument instead.”

So I took a piano class. Which was great, except the teacher was no fool and figured out my ear pretty fast, and made me test only on pieces I’d never played before, since I would very promptly learn everything else not by the music but by having heard it. I loved piano and always felt it would have been my first instrument if I’d ever been taught one when young — guitar become a bother when I was 18 and my figure blossomed into D cup, aside from which, women just don’t have the long monkey arms men do that make low-slung guitar and power chords so much easier. I love guitar though I play worse now than when I was 15 since I never do it.

But something about piano being right there in front of you, and the way it fills a whole room so much with sound, it can really allow you to sing full-out and not be drowning out your instrument, and the way you can really put your body into it, always seemed so awesome to me. I’ve never been around one for any length of time really. I had just bought an old one when I had to move from TX, and my parents insisted I leave it (and my dogs) when I moved here. Someday I hope to have another. I could buy a keyboard but apparently I’m a total snob since if it’s not full-size keys, 88 keys, and MIDI I don’t feel like there is any point to having it and I haven’t been able to afford that combination yet, compared to other life priorities. I’m also still hoping to learn viola someday!

Back to the point…

I think with Marcan and the psi work… well, it was my demand to the Four about viewing, that next visit to the tower brought me the Aeons. And it was made clear to me from the first time I met Marcan in a dream that his role was to work with me on psi. So some part of me feels like whatever it took, all the time and years and debates and so on, to get to this place I am now, was worth it. A place where I have truly no attachment to anything related to process. Only a genuine desire for understanding, and an underlying drive to eventually have this become more present in my life in a positive and skillful way. I’m finally willing to be a ground level chela, no assumptions of knowledge at all.

I guess in other words I am finally truly willing to take instruction, in the much fuller way that “inter-worlds, inner-identities” work must be, since it has so much to do with energy and usually the destruction of a gazillion paradigms I didn’t even know I had.

P