Wed evening. It’s after 10:30pm and I have no more excuse to avoid doing the Aeon Round (as I am calling it, going around the circle of the Aeons with the mantra prayer) which I should have done this morning before work, and as it’s a lovely avoidance of the Archmed I’m supposed to be doing instead, I decide to do that.
My hands change with each, as I imagine touching them in various ways spontaneously, holding hands or hugging, sitting on someone’s shoulders if they are a man (or giant statue…), whatever.
Nothing unusual until I reach Marcan. With Marcan I feel him more pronouncedly than usual. My hands together like in the Lord’s Prayer, in front of my face, I feel he is putting his hands on the outside of mine, and I pray. But he is so “there with me”, literally as if he is nearly-real and his face is just near mine, that after the mantra I just sit there, feeling “with him”, close to him, close like someone you are not quite kissing.
And then finally he merges into me, and I don’t feel any rush at all, but I feel quite sincerely that this is successful and that I and He are now ‘we’. I feel my hands are also his, my perspective is also his, and that he is getting as used to me as I am to him in this.
It does not feel quite like the rapport-merge that some remote viewing can bring. It is not like a foreign-person, like a me-plus-something-else. It is more like another aspect of myself, but which does have its own personality, becoming “a larger percentage of the conscious-me”, like a me-expanded.
We move on to Hot Amanakhaton and there is a difference, I feel. I am WE, now. How WE relate to HA is not quite the same as how I relate to him. It’s like a formula and it has changed a little. I find that interesting.
We move to Jared and El Nino and are clasping his hand, the other on El Nino’s forward flank, and somehow it feels like our relationship is a little… different. I don’t have a word for the feeling. I have the distant, humorous observation that this has some relationship to Jared sometimes drinking too much and singing loudly during those times, that some of Marcan’s energy is part of that. I feel in a subtle way that this has told me something about Jared I didn’t know myself, that I got from Marcan.
We move on to Calme´ and she throws her arms around us, and I feel she is more beloved than usual, more adorable-as-small-feminine than usual, and I realize that Marcan is closer, more integrated, with her than I am, perhaps. I feel a slight merge, not too much.
We move on to LaeLee and suddenly the difference is clear. It did not before occur to me that just because I might be better integrated with a couple of the Aeons does not mean they are 100% integrated with each other. I mean they’re not 100% because they are different, but we all are part of the same larger Being and we overlap. I think at a spiritual level it is fuller than at the conscious level for whatever identity(s) we wear as ‘surface personalities’.
But I suddenly had the sense that in some kind of ‘real life’, LaeLee did not really accept most the energy of Marcan, much like until recently I had not accepted the energy of any of them, and that although this is only a ‘minor’ effect for me, it is still a sort of effect. Following on this was a sense that the more I integrate them all ‘through’ me (as if through-my-middle), the more I actually help all of them in their own individual ‘incarnate personalities’ integrate with each other. That we all affect one another.
I felt that since I had recently done much with LaeLee for us to be more merged, that now that I and Marcan were more-merged-than-usual at this moment, that she would be ‘able’ to accept more of the energy in me that is also-his, while he and I were merged. A doorway of sorts; a bridge-of-self. I imagined us putting our hands above the the heart and solar plexus chakras of Maelee and sending loving gold energy into her to ‘share’ it. My whole body from my crown to my toes got energy-shivers like crazy, and we poured energy into her as much as she would take, until the shivers stopped.
We continued to Nedlund. Though I felt some difference, nothing too unusual.
We continued to Nero, and we exclaimed with joy and threw our arms around each other. I got such body-rushing then from the merge, and realized with some surprise that this was ME — I mean, that Marcan is better integrated with Nero than I am and I was getting the merge effect from a greater-energy with Nero, thanks to my merge with Marcan. We did the mantra then, and then Nero joined us in the merge.
I considered my bedroom walls as a tri-une entity. OK, this is a little weird but cool, I thought at them, remembering a dream someone once told me of such an experience, thinking this must be a very ‘lite’ version of it — I didn’t feel possessed, not like with viewing rapport, it was ‘present-but-subtle’.
I was wondering how we could be one and three at the same time. Then I remembered, one or both of them reminding me, that I am one and four at the same time when I am Four of Four, and it is the same, feels about the same, at least as far as the one-and-multiple perspectives combined does.
I looked at my laptop screen, at the round of the Aeons I have on the background, that I keep up while doing the meditation, noting the pics of Marcan and Nero with some quirky interest, feeling their different perspectives on the pictures. And you? I felt. My picture isn’t on there. I imagined how I looked. Then I tilted the screen to reflect me, darkly. Eyes rather like that picture of Bohleren, one of them thought, I wasn’t sure which. I felt pleased that they were pleased to see me, as if emotion somehow was amplified when the same one was felt by more than one of us at a time.
I remembered something I recently read that kinda referred to that, in the latest Wheel of Time book, between an Aes Sedai and her Warder, and I wondered idly if Robert Jordan, whose ‘weave’ approach to energy is remarkably useful as a real model in energy work (wish I’d had it a long time ago), might have been bringing forth a lot of truth in his writing, even without knowing it, as his own relationship with his own Aeons even if he were oblivious to it. Frankly it felt a whole lot like that was described.
We then turned as-three to do the last mantra of the Round, the one where I imagine merging with The Four and then doing it once again ‘as’ them and ‘through’ them ‘to’ all 12 of the Aeons. It was very different though. I could feel that they were more able to integrate with the Third of Four than with the first two. Still, less with him than me. Much of the first two was opaque to them. I wondered if perhaps it is different for them. Do they have their own, different version of — or just different — The Four? Who knows? I didn’t feel an answer to that.
I couldn’t tell if they were not integrated, or if the two did not choose to share. Sometimes in the past, they — especially the Senior — do not choose to share with me, either. I have such a sense of ‘Holy and powerful’ from him, and ‘Spiritual royalty’ from her, that I do not question this. It isn’t even my place. It’s just an honor to have any part of them when we are merged, I feel. I’d like to be more flippant as I am about many things but the sense of awe with them is too real, still. So I don’t know why I felt they were not at all sharing/overlapping with Nero and Marcus — even though it was, ironically, the Senior who brought me the Consortium the first time, to merge with, when I was afraid of all of them and clung to the Third like a child.
Finished with that, we considered Bolehren, Taan, L’Anna and Ray, whom I had already done the mantra-prayer with prior to Marcan. I imagined the triune of us (me, Marcan and Nero) merging with them. It was rather odd. I expected to feel… I dunno. More aware. Larger. I actually felt “denser” — but not really in a good way. More like… more complicated, but not more clear; with more energy but not necessarily more power, as if some degree of… singularity is required for that conversion. I mean like… a better merged-singularity-of-intent/identity.
I had thought that I would get some kind of a rush. Actually there were these… you might call them “subtle rivulets of energy” that I could feel somewhere “deep inside” like spiritually, the side-effect of the merge for them, because of the differing integrations that each of us have with the others, but not in my body anywhere, nothing. I was puzzled.
But why? I asked them all, going through the list of them now ‘in’ me and then letting my perspective just feel… changed.
I think it was Nero who said, because you only get what we ALL can share, and the more of us together, the smaller a grouping of energy that is. I struggled to get my brain around this idea.
Why wouldn’t more of them “in” me be more powerful, not less? That felt completely counter-intuitive!
Opacity, is the word that came to mind, and I wondered if it was Ithikah commenting helpfully on observing this, as I saw and felt as the word “rolled out in me,” a variety of shapes coming together like in a computer graphic to demonstrate. So to translate, hopefully accurately here, and to make it simplistic and math-based:
If L’Anna and I share points 1-5 energy, and Ray and I share points 3-8 energy, and L’Anna and Ray share points 1-2 and 6-7 energy, then when I am ‘me’ I have ‘access to points 1-8. But as-me, I have a sort of extra strength in 1-5 from L’Anna, extra from 3-8 from Ray, and twice as much extra in 1-2 and 6-7 because I have both of them ‘supporting’ that energy in me. But if we are literally together, merged, not just me-having-access to them, then points 3-5 and 8 are sort of ‘suppressed or dimmed’ because either Ray and/or L’Anna cannot ‘allow/absorb/merge’ with that energy.
Of course, 1-2 and 6-7 are extra-strong because all of us are integrated ‘with’ that energy. So it becomes a sort of trade-off. If I were doing something that really needed 1-2 and 6-7, or any of those, and it didn’t matter than 3-5 and 8 were pretty much out of the picture, then this would be a good merge to have when doing energy work. If 4 were critical though, then I would probably not want them together with me, because their lack of integration on that point suppresses it in the final merged-identity, despite that both of them share it with me. If I wanted to merge with more than one of them for something requiring point 4, I would need to find an Aeon that one of them shared that point in common with.
This probably makes no sense to anybody else, as I have to render this into an “abstract”. I am referring to energy work, healing and magick here, indirectly, and to the “parts of self” which may be best evoked for certain focii. I don’t normally give this much thought, but today’s Aeon Round just brought it all to focus I guess.
I typed the above and then thought I’d see if we could just have a conversation as I type.
So is the “integrate with me fully” not good for the mantra? I asked the Aeons at large.
Nero: It’s good from your perspective, yes. You only control your own focus, though. The focus and integration that each part of our larger Being has, just like your own, is their decision.
Me: But… but what if I want more of this… this energy, this power, this integration? What if the energy of say, Marcan and Maelee is important to me, and I need them to merge more so that I in turn have better access to it? Is that mercenary? Can I help them to integrate better with each other, for the sake of me and our whole larger-Being or group?
Nero: Yes. Though you are unaware of the work you do on that level, what you might call spiritually. But the more focus you give this intent from your physical incarnate focus personality, the more energy you are giving to that spiritual work.
Me: So… I can’t “do” it on purpose but my prayers can “help” the part of me that does it on purpose.
Nero: Basically right.
Me: So what would that… that spiritual part of me do, just out of curiosity, to bring about that end result?
Nero: Well it might show up in a vision or meditation and introduce itself to someone who avoided it for years and then laughed at its name.
Me: Wha — oh! OH! You mean — you mean like you and me! (I sense he is grinning.) You mean… oh. So… YOU got more… “aware”. And as part of your own… evolution, you might say, you began to… encounter “other aspects of a larger self.” And as part of that growth process, you… began to encourage those aspects to themselves become more aware, more integrated, with more of their larger self.
I sensed he agreed. I thought about this for a bit.
Me: So you mean that although we may evolve — I don’t much like that word, it’s so badly used in the new-age world — we evolve as individuals, that we also evolve as larger-identities. So this would imply that larger-entities like Angels — and maybe even God Itself, if It is “the sum of All” as some models say — is always evolving. And that every smallest part — blade of grass, as the Buddhists might say — has a role in the evolution of even the largest parts. And the largest parts become more free and more-of-God in part by aiding the evolution of the smaller parts because those are part of them. Er, I think the whole size and evolution part of this thinking-on-paper is screwing it up. It’s not that linear. But if you see what I mean?
Nero: You have the right idea, generally.
Me: So long ago in ‘The Rainbow of Soul’ theory I wrote in Bewilderness, it was actually the right idea. Just… well, a lot more personalized than I had any idea. Hey. Seth once said part of him was a dog. Another part had been some past Pope. How does that work? Why are none of my Aeons dogs, for example? My Four once showed me that we are all things — light beings, creatures, aliens, people and many of them, etc. Are we also blades of grass? Bugs? Cats? Kitchen tables?
Nero: All is one. But obviously within that there is a great deal of detail —
Me: But wait. Where would inanimates come into this? I mean ok so let’s say all energy is one, fine, we’re all so buddhic sounding now I love it, but there is my slant-desk five feet away, made of wood. What Being is that table part of, if any? What spirit would have what to do with it? Is it the guy who designed it? Who made it? Who cut down the tree? Who ran the machine that put the finish on? Who put it in a box? It is part of Me? Is there any way that anything could NOT be part of spirit if consciousness is inherent in every particle of energy? (Yes — RV and my spiritual life have made me an Accidental Animist, as I say.) But much like I gripe about how the Enochian tablets had no map to humans, I also don’t get how my Aeons or the Four have any map to my desk over there. How does it all relate?
I remembered an article I read once about how we constantly trade atoms with every physical thing around us — so physicists say. The more we are around our cat and our desk chair, the more that they are literally part of us, and we are literally part of them.
I remembered experiences where I have ‘gained rapport’ with seemingly inanimate objects. A metal recycling bin, for example. I could feel that it was not ‘self-aware’ and I could feel that our consciousness (for lack of a better word) was able to “merge” — it has no hard borders — and that with the addition of mine, it could *almost* communicate, and its perception was radically expanded during that time, from its norm. I remember understanding that IT was having a profoundly spiritual experience. And that when we suddenly gain “cosmic insight” and “become all” or whatever humans have as mystical experiences, that it is, essentially, “sharing a larger perspective” — just like that locking trashcan was with me — we do this with ‘larger identities’. I was a vastly larger, more complex identity than it. Yet I loved it. It was like a cool drink of water. It was so pure, so simple, comparatively, in a wonderful way.
Maybe that is how Angels feel about us.
I supposed those memories were ‘answers’.
Me: So… so you’re telling me that the wooden desk five feet away is part of my spiritual evolution? I can’t decide if this is insightful or retarded.
Ray: Look at your hands.
Me: Hey, it’s Ray! OK that’s novel. OK my hands. Uh, sorta chubby. Otherwise normal I guess.
Ray: Are they part of you?
Me: Well sure. I guess.
Ray: So why can’t the desk be part of you?
Me: It isn’t part of my body!
Ray: It sits within your energy field (several of them, actually). It shares many atoms with you and you with it. Yes, much of its composition is energy from other sources, and it is equally those sources in spirit. The tree. Other people. Other objects and locations. But right now the dominant influence by far is you.
Me: Uh. So how would I ‘evolve’ the desk? Oh my god. I sound like such a moron.
Ray: The same way you contribute to anything else. You send it loving energy.
Me: You think I should love my desk.
Ray: I think you should love anything and everything that is around you or that you come into contact with.
Me: But how can a desk evolve? I mean it’s not like it can die and go to heaven or be reincarnated.
Ray: You think a body has to die to evolve?
Me: I — well, hang on. I guess I assumed. Doesn’t it? I mean ok, I could become a lot more… ‘aware’ as a person. I suppose a table could too but I really feel so stupid even saying that. But at some point… well let’s say that a person got so evolved, like a Buddha or something, that they were… uh… larger. Or ready to become larger, like a larger entity. Like some kind of minor Angel, and I use the term loosely as I really don’t know the cosmic heirarchy or anything and I’m not really using the biblical definition of them, it’s probably more complex than that. OK but doesn’t the person have to die in order to… well, to become that new Being?
Ray: If there is no time, how can any Being die? (Or be born, for that matter?)
Me: Well — oh heck. You’re frying my brain! Well how do you move on from being one thing to being another?
Ray: Think about it.
I’m starting to get grumpy now.
(Thinking:) Oh. Merging. Ohhhhh…………….
Me: So… it isn’t that you cease being a table and become a dog, cease being a dog and become a person, cease being a person and become an Angel, or whatever. You are always all of those things. The more one is able to … expand awareness, the more one realizes it. So… so Seth knows that he is a Dog, and a Pope, and Seth, and Jane, and because from HIS perspective he is very ‘aware’, he knows all that. But as the Dog, he doesn’t know.
I thought about this for a bit more.
Me: So what’s in it for the Dog? How does that poor dog benefit from the expansion of consciousness? What’s he get out of it, if he is always and evermore, outside of time, “a dog”?
Ray: Every lifeform has what you might call an absorption point. A degree of sentience that is the maximum potential of that species, physically and energetically. He can, eventually as you might put it in time-terms, become his most Ideal. His reality — the probabilities he experiences — would change as this happened as well, of course.
Me: So… so you mean that eventually, he would be like the perfectly sentient spiritual dog having the perfectly blissful joyous life. Er, eventually. Maybe today… or maybe not… but at some point prior to some eventual ultimate evolution of the universe or God, he could be that.
Me: And… and the more his… “larger awareness” grew, the more that awareness could HELP him toward that ultimate-evolution-toward-Ideal goal. Like Nero and all of you guys helping me. Which might, actually, be just as much a matter of our larger-Being helping itself to evolve, and ITS larger-being helping it in turn, and… my god! This seems hopelessly complex!
Ray: Actually it is profoundly simple. It is all one dynamic. It operates the same for everything, everyone, under every condition.
Me: I used to say “All things long for evolvement.” Even inanimates and bugs, at some level. So… this is true.
Me: But is there value to my becoming ‘aware’ of ‘also being’ some % of the atoms in my wooden desk? I mean really, what is the point of these obscure metaphysics?
Ray: Was there value to your awareness with the metal recycling bin?
Me: Oh yeah, that was awesome! Oh. I see. Well what if I don’t want to be part of my wooden desk?
Ray: You have the focus you choose. Remove it from your focus if you wish. Your physical proximity to it however will share energy with it, which is another form of focus, as long as it is near you.
Me: Energy is focus? What do you mean? Isn’t focus whatever I am thinking about?
Ray: Yes, but there is a level of awareness to all the atoms in your physically manifest forms as well as to all the atoms that used to be part of them (or that will be part of them). There is a difference between what is inherently part of you and what you choose to pay attention to. You can change many things in your reality based on what you pay attention to, but from the perspective of your physical personality, everything that shares energy with your physical form is a part of you. You might think of it, as an analogy, as like DNA. You can ‘invoke’ or ‘manifest’ certain aspects of your genetics, while suppressing others as ‘latent’, but it is all part of you.
Me: I see. I think.
(I sat quietly for awhile, thinking.)
Me: Ray, earlier today I was thinking about my idealized self. I had this incredible dream many years ago where I met her. It was like an alternate self. I was so in love with her. I so wanted to be her. I wanted to even be near her. She made me feel so awesome. It seems odd you would bring up the ‘Ideal’ self of things on the very day I was having these thoughts, when I haven’t thought of that in so many years.
Ray: As Taan said previously, we are always with you. This conversation did not begin when you became aware of it. It has been and will be going on, is one way of putting it.
Me: Wait. You mean… you mean this talk we’re having now, you are… interacting with me, like 12 hours ago, which is why I am — I mean, was — thinking about that?
Ray: Yes. It always works that way, you know. Much of what you dismiss as “imagination” because it ties into experience or ideas that you had recently is simply a matter of experience and communication having a broader span of time overall, in your terms, than what your conscious mind is actively aware of. So you noticed a character especially in a TV show, and then met L’Anna later who told you she had encouraged your ‘awareness’ of this character, as your feelings toward the pretty doctor/ scientist/ healer were a good model for a relationship with her. This did not make her “just imagination,” it simply was because her communication with you spanned a range before your conscious introduction to and acceptance of her as what you call an Aeon.
Me: That is such a dumb name, by the way. My friends think I’m such a retard, I’m sure of it. Why does this word come to mind to name you guys that, rather than Guides? OK I know why not-guides, I feel the difference. But why that term?
Ray: It has a combination of meanings, and relationship inside you, that make it appropriate.
Me: So… if it has different meanings to my friend Jane, then the term wouldn’t really work for Jane even for the same experience.
Ray: Of course.
Me: Well but heck, we would all cease using the same language if that were the case. Every single language would become its own Tower of Babel — since every perspective is different!
Ray: To a great degree you do all use a different language, for that reason. Much like so-called consensus reality, there is an underlying agreement to meet in the areas that do not conflict. This is as true for language as it is for shared reality — actually even moreso. You do not by any means truly relate to words the same way, even if you may (mostly) share a dictionary definition of the word.
Me: Oh. Nero?
Me: Do you know Ray?
Me: Are you guys fully… uh, integrated?
Nero: No. But we are much moreso than Marcan and LaeLee, for example.
Me: OK, well this brings me back to where I began. So… so my own evolution depends on you guys?
Nero: Your own evolution depends on you.
Me: Well yeah but, the larger-me, I have to integrate into that, right, to awareness of that, and then all that awareness has to sort of become aware of each other, which is becoming aware of itself of course, and then — wait. And then that larger Being would… become aware of… something akin to The Four, or The Consortium, next level up?
Nero: This is more… heirarchical than it should be, but in your models, yes, this is basically the dynamic.
Me: So that means my evolution depends on you!
Ray: What you are not seeing is that at the point where you become aware of a given energy, it becomes part of you. Your definition of “you” changes. So you are not dependent on someone-else for ‘your’ evolution. You are always, at every moment, dependent on ‘you’.
Me: Ah so. I think I see.
Well, the kid came in, so this has to stop and we’re going to watch hulu.com instead for awhile.
P.S. I cannot believe I TOTALLY FORGOT this. This morning (was it this morning??) I had begun the Aeon Round and got interrupted. I stopped on Marcan and I was going to do a solo tantric thing and give him all my energy. He works with creative stuff and viewing, he told me, so I thought it would be a good focus (him vs. all the other options). But I couldn’t make it happen, just didn’t have the energy, and stopped long before completion. I guess I see why I forgot. I have slept twice since then! Albeit naps. It feels like a long time away.
Anyway it can’t be coincidence that I was doing that kind of tantra focus on Marcan and then it just so turns out he was the one that I “felt” so physically tonight — even though I had totally consciously forgotten all about this. I wonder, if I’d succeeded and given him my energy would it still have been that way? Curious.