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I found a dream I had written down in a text file. I don’t know when this happened as I didn’t date it and even re-reading it, I don’t remember this — more like there is a sense of familiarity. No recognition of elements. I think there is a lot more to it than I realize and I think I’d like to meditate on it, so I want to record it for later reference. Has to be in the last two weeks.



He was a man. He was the threat to me, the one I was nervous of. Yet he drew me at the same time. He was The One.

There were people. Small groups of them. I recognized them as having been around me previously, at times in life. One group stayed near related to my father’s energy and another related to my stepmothers energy like male/female. I didn’t know what they wanted.

There was a bunch of people excited to buy a sailboard. It wasn’t that. It was the size of a ship nearly. I told them they were getting themselves committed to something they merely thought was fun but sailing it would be the hardest thing they ever did in their lives.

There was the man. He knew that I feared him. There was a room that everybody was afraid to ever go into or stay in. I did it, just to put my chin up and tell him I was not afraid. On the left side I found some corpses in clear plastic and looked away. On the right side I found more corpses in plastic and moved away. But I wouldn’t leave. I moved to another part of the tiny building and stood with my back to the wall. He showed up and observed me there, observed that I had the courage and will to conquer the fear. This seemed to surprise and impress him a little. He took me out of the room of death.

There were the people. The two remaining groups. They told me that tomorrow or soon, payment would be due. From the male, from the female. That the debt was high. I knew dad and stepmom could not afford it. I felt weird and upset that they had made such a commitment. I sensed that the male/female had hoped for more… development with what time they had had, before this became due. I felt the debt had been taken for me, on behalf of me, with hope for me, but I had been oblivious and perhaps not lived up to it. I wondered if there was something I could do about the situation.

There was bio-chemistry. The R-nomer instead of the L-nomer was not the inert neutral substance in the body we think it is. It just has a role we have no clue about and a situation has to be ‘triggered’ or its behavior is not known. I sensed there was a whole universe of seemingly neutral stuff we either didn’t know existed or knew but considered useless, and I realized how hilariously stupid it is to expect that anything in the universe that exists is actually useless, as if the geometry of reality is filled with its own version of gum wrappers or something; and someday maybe infinitely far away some things would shift and their role would be more apparent. This was fundamentally part of the people, the debt, the man, the fear, and the end.

There was the man. He was the one I was destined for. He was the one (3rd of 4) that I woke up. That brought on the end of the world. That I was an anchor for in this reality and timeline and it was my job to wake him up, to begin the end, and I had done so. The end was closer now, than the last time I realized this. And he had become consciously aware that this was his role in our reality. It was not an easy role to say the least. But he had accepted his destiny. Time was running out. Only some years now before the end of his world. Which was my world too.

There was such power and love and lust between us, within us. I saw him for what he truly was, and I understood that I too was part of what he was. He had felt so alone. Now I was present and he realized I accepted this in him, of him, of us, and he was not alone. His emotions about this were very powerful.


I not only don’t remember dreaming it, I don’t even remember writing it down. I went through this notes file maybe a couple weeks ago and I don’t think it was there, so this must be relatively recent.

It is kind of upsetting. Not the end of the world thing. I remember that from Bewilderness, waking him up, bringing it forward via him.

I didn’t know until now, looking it up, that it was October 1994 that I became aware of “The Four” consciously (though I said I’d been dreaming about them for some time and only just remembered), and it was also sometime in October when I had the dream related to the end of time. 20 years exactly, what are the odds of that timing?

From Bewilderness chapter 13:

A vision-dream, so strong it made me yearn for him/me, took me this afternoon when I took a nap. … He was gaining strength. We were in some kind of “Highlander” theme I guess, where people competed, got their heads chopped off, and the energy of their deaths was [eaten] by others. The blonde me was there, in the cloak type clothing I often see him in for one reason or another. He was the man. There were other men, competitive men.

I might have shifted in time; I was watching him stalk a certain man, whereupon he deliberately let his own head get cut off, though he took the other guy’s at the same time. I noted that somehow his death had cut my left hand in a couple of places. Deeply, and it bled thick and dark like molasses, but I couldn’t seem to feel it physically.

I thought, “Well that’s that I guess, he’s certainly dead now!” but someone said urgently, “No, that’s just it! You don’t understand! He is come back. This was his way of [throwing all enemies off the track] for so long….” and I suddenly understood what was meant: he had “folded up inside himself,” as if he had hidden within the cavity of his rib bones (?!) and seen his body (including himself) buried deeply, on purpose, where nobody would know where he was. Knowing that when the time was right, he would unbury himself; that somehow he was not permanently dead but temporarily, deliberately so which for some reason was different, and that allowed him freedom.

The guide almost gave me the impression that he was a “bad guy” and yet simultaneously, a “good guy;” something like, there was only going to be one way for [someone/him] to deal with things at a certain point considered an “end time” or some such; it required that he be believed dead, so that things could develop as they would without the threat of his influence; as if they would hunt him down (again) for his power, do something that could take his autonomy away… so this way he could come back unexpectedly and defeat some conqueror or accomplish something… or some such thing that only he had the ability to do, him this man from “times of old”. (And I mean really old, not centuries but millenia, thousands of years.) {At least. – P}

But I was ambivalent, since somehow I knew that I was a big part of waking him up, I was his “anchor” specifically for this reality, physicality, and “time,” and this guide made it sound like waking him up was my duty, I’d done it — and it was like I was personally helping to bring on the end of my world as I knew it (like armageddon) or some such thing.

One of the things that freaked me out a little about finding the gnostic stuff was some of the “syncs” between some of their stories and experiences I’d had with the Four, certainly long before running into their stuff. One was something like this — that one of the four “hid within himself” and that another one “awakened” it and it had some big dolby-sound-movie-climax drama associated with it — I don’t remember the details. But that seemed so ridiculously specific!

Perhaps it’s an archetype of a kind I just don’t understand yet.

And what the heck is the biochemistry? I spelled it wrong apparently, it is “R-Nomor” but I have no idea what it means and I especially don’t know how this relates to “the end of my world.” Worrisome, a little.

The upsetting part of the current dream is this line:

I sensed that the male/female had hoped for more… development with what time they had had, before this became due. I felt the debt had been taken for me, on behalf of me, with hope for me, but I had been oblivious and perhaps not lived up to it.

God. So my laziness, fear, irreverence and more may have actually doomed me in a way, me and third, because I might be a great deal better developed, as I might need to be, otherwise. Or worse, in a way, doomed 1st and 2nd. God, the Crucifixion of the Trinity was the most horrible experience ever, EVER, and now I feel this sort of dread that maybe the dream means they are going to ‘die for me’ again.

In January 1995 I got a ‘psychic public service announcement’ that a new cycle had begun and it was one I would consider the end of my world, armageddon and so on. It was quite dull just like PSA’s tend to be. I dreamed of a sign of the end and when I awoke, I felt so profoundly sad that I “didn’t get to do a normal life this time.” I hadn’t even known that I wanted one.

My life changed radically within a month, and three months later I was married. HUGE changes. I have often felt like I shifted or ‘brought in’ some probability by my strong emotion about it at the time.

The kid is 18 now. I had the ‘normal life.’ The little girl, kitties, and flowers in the garden. If more of it was just exhausting and hardship than what I might have imagined, that’s probably my own doing of course.

Maybe it was a gift of sorts, and it’s over now, and it’s back to the plan. A temporary interruption of the timeline. (Mine, not necessarily anybody else’s. “Reality is not a democracy,” as the Narrator put it.)

Geez. Two days ago I thought my biggest worry was the size of my thighs.