Archived from the former firedocs blog.22 February 2006
Dor was the first Tulpa I ever met. A thoughtform placed in me by some entities I won’t bore and scare people by describing, it (which I think of as ‘he’ because I personalize everything) was doing a fabulous job as a psychic/psyche/body ‘block’ on a certain group of memories.
It took me four days of meditation, of constantly bringing myself back to it, of never looking directly at it, of unbelievable focus, will and work, to finally deal with him directly; his biggest talent was misdirection. When I finally could address him, I pointed out that no matter that I knew another identity had created and placed him there, still, now he lived in me, he was part of me. I offered him a deal. If he would instead morph into a “door” at my intent, he could not only maintain his fabulous block-ness, and I made sure he knew I admired his quality there, but he could also “evolve” in the opposite regard as well, and become far more than he was. I told him he was ignored and going nowhere currently; but I could bring him into my ‘sacred space’, my visualized meditational world that gets my energy and attention at times, and he could be more.
I believe that “all things long for evolvement.” He was already using my own energy to live as a small part of me. I’m management at heart. Why not have him working for me instead of for someone else? And he agreed. And as the first part of the deal he became a door and let me through.
I never did figure out the details. By that time I hardly cared. Succeeding in getting past him had become the bigger issue. I found childhood things, issues drenched in that vaguely sticky brown-grey-dust that in my archetype work always symbolizes things hidden from myself. That night, in May of 1995 after having finally gotten past the block, I fell through my body before I was anywhere near sleep, and ended up talking to the entities in some astral zone too weird to believe. What I did believe, with utter disgust I might add, is that they had re-blocked a portion of what it had taken me years to become aware of finally and days to deal with. I gave up. It was just not worth that much trouble frankly.
They gave up too, in a different way. The block, whom I had renamed Door, had failed them. He had converted. Been subverted. He might carry the core of founder intent, but he had become my soldier, not theirs. They didn’t use him again. I let it go, and ensconsed Door in my sacred space, as the front door to a small mansion over in a nearby territory, which I often visited solely for the humor of seeing so many bizarre astral things, like my own psychic Star Wars Bar Scene. He was door and security guard and bouncer rolled up in one.
But I devolved. It was that year that started it, and within another calendar year my psychic ‘awareness’ was 99% gone. I spent a decade in grim trauma, drama-queen, psychic-brick, stuck in hell state of mind. My sacred space, which I could not really feel, sense or see, was ignored, abandoned, and faded. Door with it.
Ten years later, I began slowly waking up. I am still in that process, only a small % clear so far. But I woke up enough to be able to roll out my space and feel it, sense it, sense my outer guides, talk to my inner guide and archetypes.
And finally, I went to visit Door. He knew I was coming, and he was lovely. For the occasion my creative subconscious and he wrought his image into a really magnificent sort of ornate golden royal door. But the mansion was empty, having long ago lost the “free energy” my intent supplied it that had drawn the many aspects of me to party there. He was alone. He had grown since I had first met him; during the time I was psychically active and he my door, he had evolved closer toward autonomy. He was still quite some way from being fully so, but he had a good deal more ‘independent awareness’ than he’d had initially. But still, he was alone. He did not accuse me, but I sensed my own betrayal of honor, of a sort. I had made him a promise and then abandoned him. He had done what I asked, become what I asked, functioned within me as I requested, and then I had just walked away for ten years.
So we had another conversation about his role within me. “Door,” I said, “Maybe you could expand your role again. Your experience as a door and a block, and in judgement regarding what had intent toward me, is surely a great base for you helping me to see through walls in myself, to find doorways of opportunity and insight, to recognize what is being hidden from me vs. what I am hiding from myself vs. what is simply not there. I’m sure that metaphysically, there are many correlates to what you already are, that you could grow into.” He loved the idea. He wanted to be more involved with me, although that is a given–I am an energy source, of course, and his own evolution as a thoughtform into an identity depends on what I put into him. Guilt motivated me, and curiosity. It had seemed an inspired idea and I wondered if he had given it to me.
To show me how well he could do in this role, he took an active role with me the rest of the evening. Every thought I had, he showed me the walls. The limitations. The assumptions. The doorways out. And those in. He showed me how it related to other things in life. He was similar to the Narrator aspect, but not autocratic, and instead of talking at me he simply “let me see.” He was similar to the sounds-like-Seth aspect too, but not so logical and again, not a speaker; it was more like he would just clear up the picture for me in some sense, and the seeing and following that insight and new thought path was up to me. It was a job application of sorts, and he outdid himself. I was literally astounded, over and over again. His insight was exceptional, inspired.
I agreed to the new role. I renamed him Dor, a “real identity name” not just a function name, in recognition of his evolution and potential.
He asked for only one thing: an organic physical, perhaps wood would do, shaped like a tiny door, painted red like chinese red, and placed in a tiny bag that could go on a string around my neck so that it would lay close to my heart chakra. I almost laughed. I recognized this as something shamanic cultures are known to do. I understood that he wanted, felt he deserved and even ‘needed’ as part of what I was asking of him, some kind of anchor in my physical reality. It needed to be something real, of the earth; plastic wouldn’t do. He preferred a dark red, because it is so strongly anchored in the physical. And he wanted it to touch me or be near me. So, I told him that I would do this for him, and that once I had done it, we would be set.
But I didn’t. I got passive/aggressive about it. A lurking fear that his origin from “them” and me giving him so much more energy worried me. The famous Buddhist story of the Tulpa kept coming to mind for me. At some point of evolution his longing for growth will make him long for autonomy, yet as he is a part of me, moreso the more dense in energy he gets, that will be a battle between us when the day comes. He began a thoughtform but will gradually become the equivalent of an inorganic on psychic steroids, and then eventually, an identity in his own right, though I’ve no clue to the details of what that will mean for him… or me.
After about a month, Dor showed up in a meditation and asked me if he was to remain alone; a door to the mansion so underutilized it was nearly transparent. We had come to an agreement, then I had renegged on it. Just like I had made one with him previously and then abandoned him for 10 years. Fortunately, time doesn’t really mean anything to him, but the guilt bothered me anyway. I assured him I really was fully willing to commit to this, and to demonstrate this, I sat down and wrote it out in a couple of pages longhand. Now, my intent was anchored in the physical and fully expressed. The agreement is a done deal.
And still I put off getting him his ‘anchor’. I thought of it often. But over a year passed and I did nothing to make that happen except think about it in a positive way.
Recently I have had some substantial personal changes and decided it was time. Time to SEE. Time to get clear. Time to start taking care of my obligations and even the most minor issues of integrity. And definitely, time to resolve my unfairness toward Dor, and allow him to become within me what I find so fascinating.
But let’s face it. I am not wearing a stupid bag around my neck. People would probably think it was for drugs, haha. And I understood his concept of door but I decided that I would find some natural-things-of-earth that were nice, that he could anchor in, and that I could keep near my heart chakra, and as long as we were both clear on his scope and what they represented, something like say, a stone might be better than dead wood anyway. A pendant necklace would be the perfect solution. Something long enough to lay under my clothing for the most part, so I could always wear it. Something sturdy enough I could sleep and shower in it, so it was a constant companion.
I commissioned a jewelry artist Kristen Vasques (who does very nice work) to create a pendant necklace for me and chose some differing shades of red stones she had on hand. A nice red jasper (that looks like cinnabar marble, has the slight brown edge) in the shape of a crystal. A good sized round red carnelian, a true red. A couple small beads of copal (ancient) amber, with the slight yellow/orange edge. All in all, a spectrum of dark reds and three very different materials. Some copper beads, a good silver chain, and I had a pendant for a talisman or a necklace. I like it. I hoped Dor would like it. I put it on when it arrived and that night I did a short meditation where I told Dor about it.
We will see.