It is sometimes really hard to be a decent human being.
I was shown something this morning that I am calling “ajdustment of reality weaves.” This went on while I was sleeping, but I woke up fully and all at once (in a way rather unlike my normal waking), and after about 2 seconds of having no idea who or where I was, it all hit me like a giant interconnected ball, or ROTE as I think Bob Monroe called them.
Not just what had been going on while I was officially asleep but who I was, where I was, as if literally “all” information arrived in my mind at the same time, or perhaps my mind was simply not available to me at all for the first couple seconds.
The effect of getting hit with everything all at once was rather extreme, in both emotion and intellect, and I sat up in bed against the wall for an hour just going through it and unrolling it inside myself.
I think my reading Wheel of Time is what has given me the ‘weave’ mental model for energy, but without it I don’t think I could articulate this. I wish I’d been exposed to that back when I was doing energy work, as I never had words for things then, and even a concept model for the “shapes and strings and geometries” that I worked with and would try to explain to others, would have helped. (Now that I think about it, weaving is a great way to put it.)
But there is one thing about my life that I hadn’t told Z. It’s no big deal but in the way of involving someone on such a deep level, it is. I did mention it in passing generically several times, but this is one of those didn’t-want-to-know things; Z just assumed the best. We moved from internet pals to psychic soulmates so fast I didn’t know how to say it, when to say it, or if maybe it’d never be an issue anyway so maybe it didn’t matter.
I felt iffy about it inside but rationalized that our relationship was so good for both of us that destroying it by finally telling Z the ‘whole’ truth would just hurt us both. I figured, maybe opening up with me would open Z to other relationships a bit more, and so likely we’d never meet anyway. Alternatively, who knows, things can change a lot in a few years, which is the timeline I had set on any possible future for us. I never lied, and I tried to hint, but I definitely “omitted” in fear of Z feeling betrayed, misled and led on, horribly disappointed, and in general just angry at me for blowing the trust factor of something exceptional.
It was like a vast, complex art form. There was cohesive-energy-objects in geometric shapes all over, energy in strings, and energy flowing, sticking, releasing, merging, dissolving, regrouping all through, all over the place.
Imagine all the stars in a crowded galaxy had varying shapes, and functioned together like the contents of a lava-lamp, and all the orbits left energy-tracks of every passing, and you mixed it up with a lot of cosmic size spaghetti that looked rather like a starwars lightsabers but was flowing instead of firm.
Imagine that everywhere you turn, if you allowed yourself to ‘feel’ instead of just see, then instead of “chaotic stuff all over the place” you would actually feel that this was a certain pattern, and that was a pattern, and that over there was a pattern … and you could see how this pattern intersected with that pattern, and had previously changed the direction of spin of that other pattern, and looked to be heading for some brush into yet another pattern… well I doubt I have articulated this well but it is the best I can do. Jungian stew indeed.
Now imagine that in addition to all of this visual and concept, you have actual kinesthetic “feel” of the “balance” both detail and grand. As if the entire galaxy is actually inside you. And as if every part of it, and even the relationships between the parts of it, is also inside you. You can feel a push here, a pull there, a stretching here, a compression there, a flowing here, a stopping there. All the merging and winding and intersection, you can literally feel it.
Lace your fingers together and push your palms out and hold it for a moment; you can be aware of the feeling of every finger, but also if you pay attention in another way, of the “spacial distance and relationship” of any finger to any other finger and even of the space between them. We ignore such trivia, and when we pay attention we do it one point at a time. This ability can be multiplied by impossible complication and then perceived simultaneously all at once.
Now imagine that your total-awareness of ‘everything’ in this tapestry of reality includes, along with your awareness of motion, relationship, dynamics, patterns, shapes, etc. an awareness of what is right. When I say right I don’t mean what some human culture considers good. What I mean, is that there is a sense of righteousness that for me at least, literally feels like a balanced geometry.
You know the feeling when you literally lose your balance and you are right at that instant where you are neither falling nor balanced but on the cusp of awareness in-between: that is the feeling of the wrong-ness. I do not mean, by wrong, what some human culture considers bad. What I mean, is that there is a sense of incorrectness that for me at least, feels like an imbalance, and sometimes an imperfect or incomplete geometric-pattern.
But it comes with a gut-sense, too, one that I feel here in this world-perception just fine at times, of something that is just wrong vs. right. It may be that “on some level” this is all some complex energetic geometry, but on my human level, most things boil down to feeling wrong or right.
A group of identities which have joined my Four as I call us, or Elementals of Soul—this new group I call The Consortium as a sort of joke but they used the word so I’d recognize their influence I think—took me through this in order to show me something they considered important.
We were in a galaxy I can only describe as “me.” The varying shapes were people, events, sometimes really powerful objects or locations. The patterns woven with the long strings included those things too, when they were less fixed for me, but were mostly an immense series of dynamics, relationships, perspectives, as if even “how you think about things” can be “danced” like the Tango with another person or situation. Things orbited each other, some closely and some from a distance. Things interfered with each other at times, not necessarily in any negative way, just so that it was clear one pattern had affected another.
I perceived this with a kind of bizarre ‘overlay’ sense, as if that odd shape cartwheeling slowly, back to my left, into another thing, changing both their directions with its momentum and the impact, could be recognized as an event from my past which affected me and affected a relationship I had at the time.
Although it was ‘over there’ and ‘back in time’, it was as if the ‘space’ of this galaxy-of-me was as sensitive as a spider’s web or the surface of a pond, and so every motion and collision and direction change and pattern alteration that happened anywhere, was simultaneously felt and ‘recognized’ and understood everywhere else, too.
And somehow, even though it had happened in the past or wouldn’t happen until the future, if I paid attention to it, it was happening right then, in the present, whatever I paid attention to.
It is as if time and space, both dimensions, were somehow replaced by ‘experience’. Or perhaps it might be more appropriate to say that experience, a level up, is normally overlaid with the interpretive models we call time and space.
This is so truly ineffable I can’t believe I’m crazy enough to try and put it in words, but I am driven to make the effort.
I was “inside” this, not outside looking in, yet I could feel everything that was surrounding-me-outside, as if it were at the same moment on-my-inside. (Or, that my insides were ‘composed of’ this-stuff.)
There were several shapes, with their own orbits, and relationships, and there were patterns large and small, simple and complex, and of course the myriad motion of the energy-spaghetti interacting with it all, our lava-lamp in 11-D or something.
And it was all me. Somehow even the things that represented another person or an event or a “situation” were all “composed of me.” At least, that is how I perceived it at the time.
We focused on this one part. I had a strong sense of a multitude of different times, orbits, relationships, ‘coming together gradually’ over the space-time-spectrum of experience, but there was this quite pointed “imbalance” that was pulling everything in my center of attention off track. It was as if a certain point where a couple of shapes and some patterns were intersecting in an impossibly complex dance, were all being thrown off by one area that had almost a ‘distortion’ effect. The energy-strings went in there, and came out, but in a changed direction that affected the sense of balance of the whole sector, and more important, affected the sense of “impending” for everything.
There was a sense of wrongness which initially I felt objective about—because within that environ it felt more like in one spot, a sense of pulling-back, deflecting-out, pushing-away is all—yet I could see that there was no possible way the orbits and patterns could stay on their ‘righteous’ path if this was not corrected.
Suddenly personalized, I realized that the “distortion point” was my lack of clarity with Z. I could see the pattern of Z and other shapes and energy-spaghetti and patterns all related, and I could FEEL how that one seemingly small point of “omission” in my very powerful relationship with Z was causing problems at the root of both patterns and everything else that interacted with them.
Literally, this “wrongness” could be felt throughout the entire universe of me. To me it might be ‘one thing’ but the number of energy-strings and pattern-shifts resulting from both my pattern and Z’s pattern and many things in between, were exponential.
I think I grok what I used to call instant karma (a phrase I took from the Lennon song). At one point during my Bewilderness phase, I got to where I could “correlate” my actions and words and even thoughts with the seemingly autonomous and unconnected events and situations in my reality. This got “closer and closer” until eventually, I could say something with the slightest bit of not-entirely-true and I could see within seconds the ‘shift’ in my reality experience.
Well in this amazingly complex galaxy-of-me, I could see how even my “perspective” (let alone actions) could literally cause variations, from small to major (but all have some affect), in the shape of something, in the pattern-weave, in the direction of motion, in the speed of momentum, even in the brightness of things, their color, and the positions they held.
The one overwhelming observation was:
You cannot hold a true course if you are not free of distortions.
Now this may seem obvious to any idiot, but I don’t normally think of that from quite this sort of perspective.
Anything that is not wholly honest or straightforward is a distortion. If we don’t think it’s a big deal it’s mostly because we are spared the ability to see into the weave of reality; or even, the ability to sense the “correlate” of our “personal reality” with what is inside us. Exaggeration is a form of distortion too. So is sarcasm (I’ve felt that before).
The Coalition-of-Soul that is now a part of me will not allow it. I don’t mean they asked me to be more forthright-honest or that they told me to be. I mean they made it clear to me conceptually, while I was in that galaxy-of-me, that they are like… like a whole bunch more points of a larger pattern, of which I am only one point.
Although I may technically seem to have free will, my ‘awareness’ of this ‘larger-us’ will cause me to suffer greatly if I deliberately push a wrongness. They made me understand that my-our ‘course’ or path would not be misdirected. And that this one LITTLE THING in my personal life was causing a distortion that would cause misdirection.
And so, essentially, that it was being moved back into place.
Meaning that the situation—the omission, Z’s oblivion, my nervous guilt—was over, one way or another. The “serious misperception” that I allowed Z to entertain, and the “sense of wrongness and some fear of being found-out” that I myself was entertaining, would both be “adjusted.” In fact, HAD BEEN already—that was part of what they showed me. Literally, “the patterns were adjusted.”
And now, if I did not proactively make the adjustment in my external reality, I was going to get to watch how reality caused that adjustment, seemingly externally, instead.
I didn’t want to watch that! I didn’t want to blurt out my only secret from Z but I even less wanted someone else to blurt it out and possibly in a way that did us both more harm.
It was all about balance. About keeping the reality weaves in certain larger patterns-orbits without allowing distortion.
It is almost like a psychic-society, me and the Four, me and the Consortium, where the more awareness you accept and the more responsibility you take on, the more you HAVE to live that integrity.
It’s not even optional. You live it, or the “course adjustments to bring balance” will kick your ass, plain and simple.
So, in the here and now, after “unrolling” this gigantic ‘ball of experience’ inside myself, I was aghast at how something I had done was so profoundly messing with not just my own course but Z’s as well. I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility.
I think I was in the “thrall” of the ROTE-unwrapping still, and emotionally impacted by it all, and perhaps over-felt the I-have-wronged-thee emotion. I was “hyper-aware” of how completely unacceptable it was for me to not to have been clearer on this.
But it was difficult to avoid the emotion, because when I thought about blurting out my only secret and having Z feel I’d betrayed trust or something, my god, I felt such grief I could hardly move.
I demanded from the Consortium, is this their first contribution to me? Ruining my deepest relationship? I was rather pissed off.
They didn’t seem to feel that asking me to have “total integrity about everything” was anything they should even have to request to begin with.
Righteousness can be a real pain in the butt sometimes.