Mundania is such a chore. When I have time, I spend it doing very little, and when I don’t have time, which is 99.9% of the time (no pun intended), I’m trying to stuff far too much into it, sleeping too little, breathing too little, moving too little, sitting at my computer. Some days I think if I didn’t consume food there would be no visible sign that I am alive.
A friend says, “And what are you teaching your child by this workaholism, dedicated to working days for money and nights and weekends for RV and having no time for yourself?” I said blackly, “To marry well.”
I went back to the tower last night but didn’t really feel capable of dealing with the wall of fear and eventually I left. Then I had a dream last night I do think relates to my issues with the new aspects and internal changes, symbolically. The only part I remember was:
I was in this room like a library, which had a big bookshelf built half-into the wall up to the ceiling. My sense of the room and shelf was that it had a lot to do with what I believe. About… I don’t know. Myself, my reality, whatever. The books had that “I know this, I have knowledge, I feel safe!” vibe to them. I was at the very top of the shelf, by the ceiling, standing on the top shelf. I had the sense that I was standing on all these books because they were “my foundation.”
Then it started to almost-topple, and I frantically grabbed something like ceiling molding and looked down, and it turned out there was this guy… he was literally like sort of “built into” the wall and shelf. He was trying to break out from being locked in stillness, to be free, but every time he moved, my entire structure of shelving and books starting going chaotic and I had to clutch the ceiling to keep from toppling. I looked at him and I could see that literally, his head held up one of the main shelves like a support beam. There was just no way that he could get clear without my entire structure collapsing in a big mess, and me falling to the floor with it. He could see what was happening, and he didn’t want to make me fall, but he did want to be free. I realized that he was going to get that way, and I was going to have to find a way to deal with the inevitable collapse.
Dealing with fundamental things, belief systems, and accepting change… a part of me trying to break out of being held in stillness, to be “free” of all that “knowledge” and that fairly rigid structure of archived information… well it seems like it pertains to my life to me.
I’ve been working, and doing TKR at night… the only time I have to view, I’m sleep deprived, it’s so unfair. (I know… belief systems… my reality has issues.) On the bright side, I hope with real effort I will finish all my work this weekend, and should have the new TKR software in beta by next week with a little luck.
I have always laughed at people going on about mercury being retrograde but for some reason in this particular cycle, I feel as if I can literally feel it. I’m sure I am imagining it. Still. Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything just seems so damned hard. Every little thing.